Virginia's Fertility Journey Through Pregnancy Loss, Grief, IUI & IVF
I am going to try to tell my story, even though English is not my first language and it is already difficult to put the whole situation in words, let alone in a language that is your second one.
3 years ago my husband and I decided to start trying. We were excited, sure that it might take a while, but we also said that we have time (I was 37 at the time and he was 39). What we didn't know was the journey we were going to embark on and that time can pass really slowly and really fast, all at once.
The first time, I got pregnant almost immediately, I was actually very surprised to be honest. Went to the doctor and she told us that she couldn't really see much on the screen, but that it could have been because it was too early. From that first appointment it was a rollercoaster of emotions, we were excited and happy, but every time we went back to her, she would tell us that it wasn't growing as it was supposed to... a couple of weeks later, the miscarriage started (the week of my birthday, nonetheless). I had no idea what to expect, or what to do. The doctor said since it was that early that it was going to be like a heavy period, fast forward to 5 days later, I ended up at the hospital, wondering "how much blood do you need to lose before you die?" It was a terrible experience, but we wanted to stay positive because everyone kept telling us that it is very common to have 1 miscarriage and then that everything goes well. We believed it. But it was far from the truth for us. From that moment, we tried naturally two more times and we had two chemical pregnancies.
So we went to a fertility center and even though they suggested IVF right away, I was afraid of the whole injections and hormones part, so I opted for an IUI. First tentative, I got pregnant. Everything was going well this time, we even heard the heartbeat... week 11, I noticed spotting. We went to be checked out and we lost this too (on Thanksgiving Day, by the way, so much for being thankful for!). So I guessed that IVF was the way to go, we tried 3 times, twice with testing of the embryos and only 1 that survived, was transferred but didn't implant. Then, we changed center and the doctor suggested IVF with a fresh transfer, so that the embryos don't risk to be ruined with the freezing part. "You have 2 amazing 8-cell embryos" he said. I was excited and anxious and almost sure this was the good time! It wasn't. Blood levels were growing but not like they were supposed to...ended up being an ectopic pregnancy (I think there is 1% chance that a woman can experience an ectopic with IVF....). I was devastated, and extremely angry. It almost felt like the world was laughing at us, that it was all a prank...
On top of this, it is the money issue. We are both Italian and we live and work in New York, for our own company. Our insurance (of course!) doesn't cover anything, not even the freaking needles - and the State doesn't do anything to help. So, we decided to get in touch with a couple of centers back home and see if we could do anything with them and what the fees were (needless to say, way cheaper than in the US).
We chose one, but all the 4 we spoke with all said the same thing "we recommend to go with an egg donor" - this was a whole new chapter, something I wasn't even considering. It took me a while and lots of talking it through with my husband to accept it, and realize that I will be the mother, no matter what, I will be the one carrying it, caring and teaching and being there for the baby. It doesn't matter where it actually comes from. So we agreed and started the process in December.
But the universe keeps playing its pranks... The fertility center we are working with so far has found 4 donors, did the retrievals and none of them worked, for one reason or the other. So here we are, still waiting. Meanwhile time passes, and we grow anxious and restless. People around me get pregnant, easily it seems, and I am among those women that keeps wondering "why her and not me? what have I done wrong? Am I paying for something bad I did in the past?..." Now, I am trying to be as positive as I can and hopeful that they will find a suitable donor and I will finally be among the lucky ones. But it's hard.
I wish I was more prepared? Yes and no. Yes, I wish I had known all the issues you can come across when I was younger. Maybe I would have frozen my eggs, even though I would never know if I already had issues when I was 25. No, because nothing can really prepare you for this journey, nothing can prepare you for the physical and - most of all - emotional impact that it has on you and the couple.
I am extremely lucky because I have next to me the most patient man in the whole world, who took care of me from day 1, from holding my hand, from giving me the injections, to crying with me when it was needed. But it's hard for them too. And what I think people don't understand is that whatever infertility journey you are on, it doesn't end with a positive pregnancy test. You don't wake up one day realizing one day that your period is late and are pregnant. You don't have the luxury to say "we weren't even trying and it happened" You are always afraid that it won't grow, that you won't get out of the first trimester, that there will be an issue... it is all calculated, nothing is spontaneous... It takes away the magic of something that should be magical. Even if I know that this is a strong word, I do envy those women who got it easy and had nothing to worry about, that do not need to overthinking everything and pay attention of every single symptom they feel, afraid that it might lead to something negative. It is a tiring process, and at this point of our journey, I feel that the IVF injections of which I was really afraid, are the least of the problems.
I am glad that more women are coming out and telling their stories.Not only because I need to feel less alone and truly understood, but also because I want people who don't experience this to understand and learn how to behave, how to listen and be sensitive with those who are struggling. I myself was unfortunately one of the careless ones, not because I was mean, but because I didn't know any better. No one prepares you, no one teaches this in school and no gynecologist (at least not in Italy and back when I was younger) explains it to you. I was the one that kept saying about friends who couldn't get pregnant "don't stress about it, don't overthink it" - just like my grandmother used to say. It is wrong, I was wrong, but I didn't know and I apologize for that. We need young women to be more involved, to acknowledge these issues, and people in general to be more aware.
Lastly, I do hope that Governments and health departments will start taking this matter in hands and start creating more economical support for women who struggle with infertility. It has already a huge physical and mental toll on the person, the last thing we need is to worry and freak out about $25k bills.
I don't know if this story will help anybody, it's not a powerful one, or with a spiritual message at the end. What I do hope is that it will help some women feel less alone and understood. I feel your pain, your anger, your envy, your tiredness. I feel it all. I am not alone, and neither are you.
-Virginia
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