Nothing Suggested We Would End Up Becoming the 1 Out of 6 Couples That Could Not Conceive
It all started out innocently enough. My husband, the truest friend I had ever had, thought we could spend our first two years of marriage just adjusting to marriage itself… just enjoying each other, so that was what we did. Neither of us were aware of the five plus years of hell we were about to endure.
Nothing Suggested We Would End Up Becoming the 1 Out of 6 Couples That Could Not Conceive
We had only been trying for about three months when I remember sitting on the edge of our queen-sized bed, tears staining my cheeks when I looked up at him and suddenly declared, “Something is wrong with us…” How could I have known that at just three months of trying? Perhaps it was ‘women’s intuition’, but boy, was I onto something.
We had no outwardly identifiable issues whatsoever, so there was nothing we could see or feel that could have suggested we would end up becoming the 1 out of 6 couples that could not conceive, but there we were… having sex like it was a full-time job and getting nowhere when it came to making a baby.
When we hit 6 months of trying, we sought out our primary care physician to get the ball rolling. I also tried a new gynecologist in the area. While my husband’s sperm test and my hormone tests came back normal, the only thing they could find was that I had MTHFR, a defective pair of genes that may or may not* have implications on fertility amongst a crop of other medical issues (*apparently its impact all depends on who you talk to).
From there, we moved onto reproductive endocrinologists (one specific doctor we ultimately loved and worked with to do IVF - more on that to come), multiple male urology specialists, a regular endocrinologist, gynecologists and you name it. The list goes on. Between second, and even third opinions, we had seen roughly 12 doctors by the time we were done with treatment. And the only recourse we had according to experts was to ‘just do IVF…’ because that was the only recourse we apparently had. While we are so grateful for the technology, it is dismaying that it is truly the only potential solution that exists to secure the highest odds of success for couples - that is if they can afford it first. While IUIs and other less invasive methods exist, they do not always work, nor does IVF in some cases. It was, and is, a true shot in the dark. Your odds akin to a night of gambling on the Las Vegas strip.
Throughout multiple years of testing we found seemingly minor issues that many of the second opinion physicians (and even some of the physicians that diagnosed these ‘issues’) would ultimately say, “This should not be causing multiple years of infertility’. All we knew was that whatever ‘it’ was, it was devouring our entire lives and was certainly causing infertility. It was like someone or something was committing a heinous crime against us, only the enemy remained (and still to this day) is invisible. We were trying to solve a mystery, and we remained that way, frozen in time for over five years.
Timed intercourse plus medication was not suitable for us, per our doctor. Natural remedies and fertility programs failed us. Acupuncture failed us. Legs up against the wall failed us. Diet changes and consumption of only organic products failed us. Anti-inflammatory food diets failed us. Meditating and reducing stress (a joke to us now) failed us. ‘Just stop trying’ failed us. ‘Just adopt’ simply was not our path, not to mention is often more expensive and heartbreaking than what we had already endured. IUI’s failed us. All the countless things we tried to avoid IVF and not a single thing worked.
When we finally decided to try IVF, we were fortunate enough to switch to an insurance plan that just so happened to cover IVF. We were also lucky to catch the doctor we knew we wanted to do the procedure with just before he retired. We were also unbelievably lucky that IVF worked on the first round and we conceived our miracle baby in September 2022. Our IVF round did allow us to freeze another embryo, one shot at a sibling for our sweet girl. We know it is now a toss of the dice whether our second embryo makes it or not, but so was our daughter and here we are.
We learned physicians often do not have the answers. We learned they often grasp at straws to find reasons for medical conditions, and maybe that is because they want to help or maybe it is because they just want to be right. We learned most insurance policies do not deem fertility treatment as ‘necessary’, so many couples cannot afford treatment at any capacity. We learned this industry is flawed and broken like so many others in the United States of America. We also learned there is a silver lining to beating down every door that you can to try and find answers. We also learned that it is okay to accept your fate and try treatments that may help you with your battle - that is not failure, but it is its own kind of strength.
Forged by fire now, my husband and I have learned a lot about what to expect when all you want to do is 'be expecting' yourself. It is our mission to support and guide others through the emotional aspects of the process at any capacity we can. We needed a life raft, a lighthouse, that we ultimately never received, so if we can be that for someone else, we will. This is a mission we plan to devote our lives to, outside of raising our daughter - our tiny, currently crawling, miracle.
Rebecca F. is a veteran digital marketer passionate about helping support fellow IVF warriors through their fertility journeys.
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Medical Disclaimer:
The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.