Some ABCs of Self-Care During Infertility
What is Self-Care?
I think self-care is one of those concepts that is different for everyone. IVF is often riddled with uncertainty, worry, frustration, hopefulness, joy, fear, and everything in between. With such intense emotions and feelings, it is critical that both women and men going through IVF participate in self-care for mental health welfare. This article doesn’t include all forms of self-care, as everyone will have their individual needs in different circumstances. I’ve included some of my personal favorites mixed into the article.
Aromas
Sometimes aromas can help us take care of ourselves, too. I’m not an expert in the sense of smell, but I do know there’s a lot of research out there that tells us that scents can influence our emotions. Several years ago, essential oils were the buzz. Young Living and Doterra were hot competitors. Scents like lavender and eucalyptus are suggested to calm us. Scents like orange, lemon, and grapefruit are suggested to lift us up. My husband and I experimented with combinations like Lavender and orange, and it became our favorite for when we were winding down in the evenings.
Several years before essential oils took the stage, Scentsy was the buzz. I have two Scentsy burners, one for my home office/yoga/meditation room, and the other in my craft room. Different smells for different room energies that I’ve created. I’ve set the mood for when I do Meditation, to a scent that’s calming and relaxing. The scent for when I want/need to be creative is something ocean-y.
Sometimes, perfume or cologne can perk us up and make us feel better. Sometimes it’s room or linen spray. Another one of my favorites is candles. I have a ridiculous collection of candles.
Boating
Some people go boating or fishing as a form of self-care. I find peace whenever I’m on the water, and maybe someday I’ll retire with a Lakehouse and a boat.
Campfires
Personally, this is one of my favorite forms of self-care. I was recently nicknamed the “Bonfire Babe” because all my friends, family, and neighbors know that I LOVE to burn stuff and sit by a nice fire outside. All the world’s problems go away, and if they don’t, staring at the dancing orange flames allows my brain to process difficult situations without worry. It’s like the worry disappears, and my brain can think clearly and logically. Or I stare without the brain cells engaging, and I get lost.
Combing Hair
When my husband combs my hair, I get a rush of oxytocin and it makes the world’s problems disappear. I feel calm, relaxed, and I love getting my hair combed right before bedtime.
Driving
Some of the best memories that I have as a late teenager, was driving around town on a cool, crisp evening. When I was having trouble with navigating life, driving was some of the best therapy for myself. I sometimes still do that, when it’s later in the evening and there’s not a lot of people on the road. I might roll down a window on a chilly night and have the heat on, because the opposite air temperatures is actually calming to me.
Exercise
We’ve all heard it, right? Exercise is so good for the mind, soul, body, and spirit. For me personally, I can only exercise if I have enough mental energy to spend on it. Do I feel better after I exercise? Absolutely. Do I have more mental energy afterward? Yes. It’s one of those Catch-22s for me. If I don’t feel good mentally, then I don’t have enough energy to exercise, even though exercising will make me feel good mentally. I’m still working that one out. Swimming is one of my favorite forms of exercise…have I mentioned that I love water? Plus, swimming takes the pressure off the bones and joints.
Foot Soaks
A few times a year, my Mom and I will have virtual “date nights” that include reading a good book or watching a Dateline episode and debriefing after, while we do foot soaks. I usually like my water scalding hot, and I put some scented epsom salts in the water along with essential oils or a splash of bubble bath.
Friends
My friends and some family members were my saving grace during IVF. My Mom was, and still is, my biggest supporter and cheerleader when it comes to trying to have a baby. Some of my friends would approach me and tell me their story about Infertility or IVF. In fact, during one of our many garage sales that we held to raise money for IVF, I met someone who had gone through five cycles of IVF, and we commiserated and empathized with each other to the point where we’re now really good friends. Sometimes my friends would tell me their stories because I was so brave about being open and telling my story, that they felt safe with me.
My friends would bring me and my husband dinners, snacks, little good luck trinkets, or send “good luck” cards in the mail. They would sit on the couch and ugly cry with me, and give me hugs that felt like little warm blankets of love and support…you know, those REALLY good hugs that make you melt. Sometimes, holding each other is the best kind of “I’m here for you” that anyone can give.
Hate and Anger
Hate your body – yes, you read that right. I am giving you permission to hate your body. If you’ve experienced at least one unsuccessful cycle of IVF or Embryo Transfer, and I think this goes for both men and women – go ahead and hate your body. There’s a caveat, though, because this can go in a very unhealthy direction very quickly. It’s something that I think is still taboo to think about, but everyone experiences it, so why not talk about it and normalize it.
When I was diagnosed with MRKH, I hated the fact that I was born without a uterus. It took me years to have a healthy relationship with MRKH. And part of having a healthy relationship with MRKH means that I sometimes hate the fact that I have MRKH. Same with IVF – I think going through the “hate” feelings with your body, or your eggs, or your sperm, or your obesity, or your rheumatoid arthritis, or whatever it is that you think is to blame for the “unsuccessfulness” – is completely NORMAL! Experience that hate, because if you ignore it, or feel guilty for it, it’s going to fester and manifest in unhealthy ways.
I’m not saying to harm your body, that would be unproductive and unhealthy. I’m saying it’s ok, and normal, and valid, to go through a period of hating your body for not doing what it’s “supposed” to do. Anger is a part of grief.
A really important component to this is to find a place where you’re in a healthy relationship with your body. Healthy, to me, means that I am at peace with the fact that the three cycles of IVF were unsuccessful. I am ready to move forward because I have moved through the anger. Grief ebbs and flows, goes up and down, and so will the relationship that you have with your body.
Hot Shower
Sometimes, one must take a scalding, hot shower where the temperature is almost melting your skin off, as a form of self-care. Yes, again, one of my favorites, especially in the evening.
Journaling
Writing helps me put my thoughts and emotions down into another land where it can live, and my mind is free from baggage because that baggage now lives somewhere else.
Laughing
My Mom is one of my best friends – we just “get” each other and the belly laughs that we often share are such Soul Food.
Also, the newer invention of memes has never felt more fulfilling. Memes have the ability to share the reality of the world in just one phrase or sentence. They’re often sarcastic, true, vulgar, amazing, and inappropriate all in one graphic.
Massage
Massages are often thought as expensive financially. But let me tell you, the benefit of laying on a warm bed for 90 minutes while someone rubs my tight shoulder muscles, is well worth it. If you’re going to go this route during IVF, I suggest getting a Swedish massage with lighter pressure. I once got a massage during IVF, and the lady wouldn’t listen to me when I said that “my ovaries felt like the size of grapefruits, and I understand that you want to massage my pelvic area to get the blood flowing, but please, stop touching me there because it’s sensitive.” It was actually an awful experience. Outside of IVF, I love deep tissue massages. Sometimes they “hurt so good” but it’s a great way to release tension and toxins in the body. One of my favorite forms of self-care.
For those men going through IVF – I know you’re just as delicate emotionally as women are. Ladies – sometimes your man just needs a 15-minute massage on his scalp to let him know that you’re thinking about him, you’re in this emotionally delicate situation together, and it’s ok for him to cry.
Summary: Massages are amazing.
Mindless TV with Recliner
Let’s face it – sometimes there’s nothing better than being in comfy pajamas, drinking hot tea or hot chocolate, sitting in a recliner with your legs outstretched, and watching mindless TV. Sometimes my guilty pleasures are Dateline and other True Crime documentaries on Netflix.
Music
My go-to artist is Darren Hayes. Some of you may remember him as the lead singer for Savage Garden in the late 1990’s and early 2000’s. I continued to follow his music once he went solo, and his voice is just pure magic. Although, if I’m feeling really angry at the world, Eminem, Dr. Dre, Powerman 5000, Limp Bizkit, or the like, really caters to my emotion at the time. Sometimes I need my music to match what I’m feeling, and it allows me to move through the anger.
Naps, Sleep, and Rest
Naps are such a great form of temporary relief from a stressful day. I used to take naps during my lunch break. I love naps. A good quality long-night of sleep is great for the soul, too, as it allows the brain and body to rest. Naps make the world go ‘round, and are a great “reset button” for me, and so many others who are going through IVF. I often find opposite temperatures comforting. I love the warm sun/cool breeze type of weather when I’m outside, and I love the cool, crip evening air when I’m sleeping underneath a warm comforter. It’s a recipe for comfort and something that feels “good” when the rest of the world feels “yucky.”
Nature
Never underestimate the healing powers of Nature. Whether it be trees, grass, forests, oceans, rivers, lakes, dirt, leaves, sunshine, wildlife, Nature has the incredible magical ability to heal.
Photography
Some people are creatives, and their media is photography. Capturing moments that are beautiful or inspiring (e.g., sunsets, beaches) can be a form of self-care.
Reading
Some people read as a form of self-care, getting lost in another world. I tend to gravitate towards self-help books. Through reading a variety of self-help books, I’ve learned that I am an Introvert, Empath, and Highly Sensitive Person. Getting to know more about who I am has helped me tremendously with navigating Infertility.
Rocks and Minerals
Sparkly things always make me feel better. They entice me. Especially sparkly minerals, gems, and rocks. My friends and I recently took a day trip to Kalamazoo, Michigan, and we stopped in a place called Geoscape Rock Shop. A completely random stop that took us by surprise – it was such a neat place, that we’ll be making it a regular stop whenever we’re in town visiting. While perusing the shop, I came across something called Hematite. It had all the sparkles, and I was drawn to it, and it now resides in my craft room.
Scrapbooking
If anyone has seen my craft room, it looks like total chaos because I have a tendency to throw things that I want to scrapbook in a pile and forget about it. The intention is there, but to implement it takes creativity. If I’m in the right mind frame, I can take that chaos and organize it, so I have some sort of control over some aspect of my life.
Silence, Stillness, Meditation, and Restoration
Sometimes we’re surrounded by so much “noise pollution” in our everyday lives, that silence and stillness are what we need for self-care. Think about it – our brains process information ALL the time – from daily job and personal responsibilities, to watching TV and listening to music. Some people commute to work, which means that our brains are “on”. Sometimes our brains require some “down time” and sitting in a dark room in silence is one way to do that. Anyone
who has gone through IVF will know that you’re constantly thinking – Thinking about the next doctor’s appointment, the next injection, the next meal, whether you’re pregnant during the “two-week wait,” phone calls to the insurance company, requesting time off because your ovaries feel like the size of grapefruits, etc. Sometimes stillness allows us to be mindful, grateful, and take a deep breath.
Practicing mindfulness is a great form of self-care. This can come in the form of yoga, guided meditations, or deep breathing exercises. Guided meditations and restorative yoga were forms of self-care that I didn’t realize that I needed until I practiced them. When I stopped practicing them, I noticed something was missing, and I figured out how beneficial to my mental healthcare that guided meditations and restorative yoga really were.
Therapy and Support Groups
I would not have gotten to where I am today if it weren’t for support groups. My first support group was when my parents divorced when I was 17. I was lucky that my high school counselor advocated that I join a support group, and I fell in love with the idea of “Therapy,” which can come in many forms. Networking with others who have gone through similar situations as you, can often be a great form of self-discovery and gaining new friends. I wouldn’t have met several of my closest friends if I weren’t born with MRKH. I was also very lucky to find an Infertility Therapist who was on the same energy level as I was. She was non-judgmental, sarcastic, edgy, and full of wit and knowledge. I absolutely adore her. Go to therapy – you’ll never regret it.
Ugly Crying
Ugly crying through the gut-wrenching pain of another unsuccessful embryo transfer was honestly so good for my soul. When you feel that the weight of the world is on your shoulders, getting all the emotions out through crying feels cleansing to the soul. Feel the emotions. Cry. Ugly cry. Deep cry where your body aches. Sit in the corner of the closet with the lights off, and hyperventilate cry. I guarantee you’ll feel better.
Vitamins, Water, and Nutrition
I always feel so much more energized when I drink at least 100 ounces of water each day, and I take my daily vitamins/supplements. However, during my cycles of IVF, I craved junk food. A dinner of breadsticks and alfredo dipping sauce from Olive Garden? Yes, please. Was this nutritional for my body or my growing eggs? Probably not. Nutrition was not something that I had the mental capacity for, although it certainly is a component of self-care.
Work
Sometimes, it’s ok to get lost in the regular working day’s responsibilities. This gives the brain cells something to do, instead of fixating on the reasons why your sperm have a high percentage of DNA fragmentation, or why you have two vericoceles and the next cycle of IVF will have to include testicular sperm retrieval, when you’ve already been through hell and back with your wife’s Infertility.
I always feel better after being productive and crossing at least a few things off my to-do list.
Yard/Housework
I sometimes get my best cleaning work done when I “rage clean.” I know most of you know what I’m talking about…when you’re frustrated and really angry with someone or something, and magically, your kitchen looks spotless.
When I “regular clean,” I’ll throw on what I call a “cleaning movie,” or a movie that I’ve seen a hundred times, for background noise or opportunities for laughter. I find that when I vacuum and change the bed sheets, making things “clean” is a nice mental reset.
Sheryl Walker, Ph.D., CAAB
Sheryl was born without a uterus, a condition known as MRKH Syndrome. Her and her husband, Bobby, have gone through three cycles of IVF which yielded four frozen embryos. By teaming up with two Gestational Surrogates, they became successfully pregnant during the third Embryo Transfer, only for it to end in a miscarriage right before they would have heard a heartbeat. While waiting to be matched as an Adoptive Parent, she is a Board-Certified Applied Animal Behaviorist (CAAB) and enjoys being an advocate for positive reinforcement, training and socializing puppies, and setting up families and parents-to-be with dogs for success for life with newborns as a licensed Family Paws Parent Educator. Sheryl is super passionate about all things Mental Health and is honored to be part of the IVF Warrior.
Medical Disclaimer:
The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.
