How to Work as a Team During Infertility
It is safe to say, many couples who struggle with an infertility diagnosis are not prepared for the path their lives would take when they began their trying to conceive journey. Although some couples may have an inkling that their road may not be easy, many do not and feel unprepared when their lives start to become full of doctors’ appointments, heavy information and decisions they never predicted having to make. Infertility, and the possible treatment options, can be overwhelming and frightening. Choosing to undergo fertility treatment is not only a physical, emotional and mental process, but one that takes a toll on your finances and your freedom as a couple.
How to Work as a Team During Infertility
How will you know if fertility treatment is the right step for you as a couple? When will you feel ready to explore some of the more difficult, invasive options available? Will you know when you are ready to stop treatment? These are only a few of the very difficult questions that weigh on the hearts and minds of those struggling to conceive. When you and your partner have different opinions on these matters, it can cause tension and stress on your relationship. It can be incredibly difficult when one partner feels one way and the other feels another way, especially if one of those partners is not being honest in their feelings.
No matter your particular struggle, no matter how long you have been together as a couple, the following tools are helpful tips to keep in mind to have the most effective communication with one another and work together as a team to navigate your hardships…
1. Be Honest: Perhaps the most detrimental thing one can do is hide away their true feelings for fear of hurting their spouse. This can be an intentional choice of keeping feelings to oneself or agreeing with your partner simply because you don’t want to share your disagreement and upset your partner. Although these options seem like easier choices in the moment, this will ALWAYS backfire. The best thing to do is be honest when you communicate with one another and share your true feelings and thoughts.
2. Be Clear About Your Intentions: For many couples, establishing your intentions in the beginning of a conversation can help to not only keep you on track, but keep you on more of the same page. Pick one thing to talk about at a time, remind each other that you want what is best for you both as a couple and establish a goal for this particular conversation.
3. Learn to Listen: This one may seem obvious, but surprisingly, many couples struggle with actively listening to their spouse. Active listening involves giving your full attention to the person speaking and truly understanding what they are saying, not simply hearing the words. Listening also involves being okay with hearing things that may be difficult to hear, especially if those things differ from your own thoughts and feelings. Another key feature of listening is staying quiet and not interrupting when your spouse is sharing. You will have time to share your own desires, but first you need to be respectful of your partner’s time to share. A pro tip…after listening to what your partner shares, repeat it back to make sure you are hearing and understanding it correctly before interpreting it incorrectly.
4. Don’t be Afraid to Ask Questions: Out of fear or even frustration, asking questions can be a step often skipped during open communication. Don’t be afraid to ask your spouse if they can explain or share more if you are feeling like you don’t fully understand what they are trying to express.
5. Make a Plan, but Remember to be Flexible: So much of the infertility journey can be unpredictable, however making some form of a plan (when appropriate) can help decrease tension and increase a self of control. For example, perhaps you and your spouse decide on a number of IUI (intrauterine insemination) cycles that feel appropriate for you before looking at possible next steps. The key here is to establish your plan with the idea that you may have to tweak it along the way and be flexible if that plan does not go as smoothly as you hope.
6. Check in Daily: Again, this is sort of a no-brainer, but you’d be surprised how often you can let this one slip. It is important to check in with your partner, even if only for a few minutes each day, to see how they are feeling. And make it a point to check in about non baby related things, such as work, family members or other items of importance.
7. Learn to Compromise: If you and your spouse have differing views, compromise is going to be key. It would not be fair to ask your partner to truly change their feelings or beliefs to align with your own or vice versa for that matter. Work together as a couple to find the balance between your opinions and make sure it feels comfortable for the both of you.
8. Stay Connected: Many of the conversations around infertility and treatment can be difficult to have and involve deep emotions. It is important to never end a conversation with angry or heated words. Try to end your conversations with a show of affection and remind each other that you are on the same page, and you will make things work, even if this feels difficult after a particularly hard conversation.
Working together as a team takes practice, especially around topics involving trying to bring a baby into your family. If you find yourself struggling to implement these tips, or feel that you still need more, it may be time to seek outside support. An unfortunate truth still very prevalent in our world today is the stigma involved with seeking professional help when undergoing a struggle. Many couples may feel that they can work through things on their own. However, there is no shame in seeking help when you and your partner are struggling. Individual and couples counseling can be a great way to help you strengthen your bond as a couple by allowing you a safe space to share and truly hear one another. Sometimes, a third-party presence (aka, your therapist) can be a great tool in helping to moderate conversations and add perspective and/or insight to help you gain clarity. When looking for a therapist, try to find someone with experience working with couples, especially around fertility issues. You want to be sure you feel you are a meeting with someone you trust and feel a connection with. And always remember, you are never stuck with a therapist. If you do not feel that you jive, you always have the ability to find another.
Cristina is a licensed therapist with a mission to bring more awareness, education and support to topics like infertility, the journey to motherhood and beyond. With over a decade of experience in the mental health field, she has developed a wealth of knowledge around ways to help cope with emotions, tackle fears and barriers and live a more present, healthy life. Through her own experiences and struggles in trying to grow my family, she has found a personal connection to the world of infertility and new motherhood. Cristina is passionate about helping women overcome the mental health challenges that this struggle can often present. And most importantly, her goal is to help normalize and validate the emotional hardships that can occur along the way.
Medical Disclaimer:
The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.
