Grief and Infertility

Grief. Even the word itself feels heavy. When struggling to grow your family, grief can take on many shapes and forms. It can happen month to month in the waiting. It can strike when you see others experience the joy you so desperately desire. It can build over time as you experience the slipping away of the person you were before your struggle began. It can break you wide open when you suffer a loss. Grief is real, it is hard, it is devastating. But with grief comes the ability to heal and grow.

Grief and Infertility

So, let’s take a closer look at the cycle of grief and how we can work through it. When we equip ourselves with knowledge and tools, we have the ability to let our pain strengthen our resolve and grow our character.

You may be familiar with the 5 stages of grief, but can you see their connection throughout the phases of infertility? Here are some examples to give you a better idea…

The 5 Stages of Grief

Denial: The disbelief that comes after a diagnosis of infertility. The pushback that happens when a doctor states fertility treatment (or fill in the blank) is your only option to grow your family. The need to keep going after a failed cycle, a pregnancy loss or any other experienced hardship.

Anger: The common thought of how “unfair” this path can be. Rage directed at those who fall pregnant easily, those that don’t realize how truly difficult achieving pregnancy can be or those that flaunt their pregnancies or children. Fury at individuals who give misguided advice. Anger toward one’s spouse or doctor or any professional trying to help.

Bargaining: The internal push and pull that can creep up when women and couples put all of their energy into doing everything possible or doing everything right for a positive cycle, i.e. diet changes, lifestyle changes, toxically positive mental thinking.

Depression: The overwhelming sadness and all-consuming isolation that hits when thinking that nothing is going to help bring a baby into being. Feeling no joy from usual pleasures. Pulling away from friends and family members.

Acceptance: Learning that perhaps the end goal is more important than the in between of achieving that goal. Letting go of some control, if not most control, and opening the mind to possible options which once felt too daunting to think about.

These stages can happen month to month, they can happen from phase to phase on your fertility road, they can even stretch out over time. It is so important to note that grief is not only experienced when a physical loss (i.e., a pregnancy loss) occurs. The diagnosis of infertility itself is a loss. It is a loss of the vision of the future you dreamt of creating. It a loss of the experiences of a “normal” pregnancy and road to baby. It is the loss of self that happens when your naivety about growing your family crumbles to pieces. It is a loss of connection when you feel isolated in your struggle. There are so many losses along the way, not including the losses of failed cycles, cancelled cycles, chemical pregnancies, miscarriages, late pregnancy losses, losses that occur in the process of adoption or surrogacy…

I do not share these losses as a way to scare, but to inform. The world of infertility is not a world of guarantees. It is a world full of brave souls fighting to build their families in the most courageous of ways.

So how do we equip ourselves with the tools needed to cope, heal and grow through the pain? We feel, we process, and we take it one day at a time.

Allow Yourself to Feel

One of my favorite phrases in the therapeutic world is, “Learn to hold what hurts.” So often we do not sit with our pain because it is sad, it’s uncomfortable, it brings us down. But allowing yourself to truly experience the difficult emotions is so incredibly important for the healing process. So, don’t think you must put on that brave face and act like everything is okay. It is not okay, and you need to validate your heartache.

Some suggestions during this phase…engage in self-care activities that make you feel good, lean on close friends and family members, allow others to take care of you, simplify your life by taking some things off your plate.

Be Present Through the Pain

Just as you need to allow yourself to feel your true emotions, you must also come to terms with what you do and do not have control over. As we know far too well, there is not a whole lot that is within our control along the road of infertility. However, there are some things, and they are critical pieces to our journey. We must learn to let go of our need to want to dictate how a cycle will unfold. We must lean into our ability to take care of ourselves through those cycles. We do have control over how we eat, what we do for self-care and who we choose to surround ourselves with. We don’t have control over how many follicles we will produce or whether that embryo implants or not. And most importantly, we do not have control over the outcome, but we do have control over our reaction to it. Allow the pain to happen, then make a conscious choice for what you want to do with it.

Be Flexible in Your Goals

Along the road of infertility, our goals can shift based on the experiences we undergo. It can be difficult to anticipate how far we will go or how we will change our minds when we cannot see our whole path. It is important to talk openly as a couple as you progress through your story. Take time to check in with one another about how you are feeling and discuss the possibility of different options for the future. Set small goals for yourselves, individually and as a couple. Grief can cause us to want to shut down, stop or pull away. Stay connected to each other and stay connected to your healing as you work toward reexamining your goals and taking it one step at a time.

*And always remember, if you are experiencing overwhelming grief that causes an increase in anxiety and/or depression, and if you cannot find the will to engage in self-care or helpful tools, it may be beneficial to reach out to a mental health professional who can support you through this difficult time.

Cristina is a licensed therapist with a mission to bring more awareness, education and support to topics like infertility, the journey to motherhood and beyond. With over a decade of experience in the mental health field, she has developed a wealth of knowledge around ways to help cope with emotions, tackle fears and barriers and live a more present, healthy life. Through her own experiences and struggles in trying to grow my family, she has found a personal connection to the world of infertility and new motherhood. Cristina is passionate about helping women overcome the mental health challenges that this struggle can often present. And most importantly, her goal is to help normalize and validate the emotional hardships that can occur along the way.

Medical Disclaimer:

The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.