Infertility Makes Me Ask "Why Not Us?"
August 29, 2016 we decided it was time to grow our family. This also happened to be our one year wedding anniversary also known as the day we began our baby journey. I call it our baby journey because it has most certainly been a journey. We have one child (my husband adopted my son in November of 2015. We both knew that we wanted to grow our family and never in our worst nightmare imagined how difficult this would be. I think everyone believes it’s easy to get pregnant, until you can’t.
Month after month, no baby. Each negative pregnancy test and every time I started my period a little piece of my heart broke.
Meanwhile, it felt like everyone around me was getting pregnant. I became obsessed with why it wasn’t happening for us and with every new pregnancy announcement I felt more and more jealous, heartbroken, and losing hope. Why not us? A question I asked myself, my husband, God, the stranger in the checkout line, and anyone who would listen. What was wrong with us? Why were we not getting our baby?
August 4, 2017, almost a full year later I FINALLY saw the words PREGNANT. I was beyond happy. The best part was that this was also my husband’s birthday. What an incredible gift. I made a few onesies with my Cricut. You see, we had started the process of finding a fertility doctor. I made one that said, ‘Baby Flores’ and one that said, ‘Miracle Baby’. We were told by the first fertility doctor that it would be a miracle if we conceived on our own.
I called my doctor to schedule my initial appointment at 8 weeks. The week of the initial appointment fell on the same week as our wedding anniversary. I was so excited to meet our baby on the day of our 2-year wedding anniversary. Over the course of the 4 weeks from the date I found out I was pregnant to our 8-week appointment we dreamed about our baby and whether it was a girl or boy and who would our baby be more like. I had one day where I had some light bleeding, this was the day before we were headed to Disney for a week. I called the doctor and was told it was completely normal and to continue on our vacation as planned.
The day of our appointment we drove there so happy and full of excitement. We went back to the room and anxiously awaited seeing our little baby on the screen. I knew something was off when the technician didn’t speak for a long time. She then said that she found a heartbeat but that it was very faint and that the baby was not measuring correctly. We then met with the doctor who still went on as if this pregnancy was good and that nothing was wrong. We were told maybe I was not as far along as we had thought, and we schedule my appointment to come back the following week. The drive home was very different than the drive there.
We didn’t talk much over the next week about the baby. It was too hard for me to stay hopeful. I had a bad feeling that this pregnancy was not going to last. Our next appointment devastated us. We were told there was no heartbeat. I will never forget that moment and the pain I felt. We were told that I was miscarrying and there was no reason for it. I still wonder what I could have done differently. I had two options, let my body miscarry naturally or get a D&C (dilation and curettage). We were told by my doctor that waiting could take a couple of weeks and the body doesn’t always get all of the “tissue” out. Yes, tissue was the word they used when taking about my baby. All I wanted was to be home, so we left. We drove home in silence. We got home and sat on the couch in silence, well silence minus my hysterical crying.
We decided that we should move forward with the D&C to begin the healing process. We were able to get in the same day. We went to the hospital where the procedure would be performed. I could not stop crying. This day was and will be forever one of the worst days of our lives. It started as hopeful and ended in devastation. I had lots of pain and cramping following my D&C and was laid up for several days to come. We were told after my next cycle we could begin trying again. From September through the rest of 2017, we continued tracking my cycle, ovulation kits, you name it, we tried it. Nothing worked.
January 2018 we finally began fertility treatments. The doctor was hopeful that we would get pregnant with an IUI (intrauterine insemination). There were still no answers as to why we were not getting pregnant. Unexplained infertility is all we have heard. These words are not comforting or helpful. If we are unable to conceive there is a reason, right? In August 2018, we decided it was time to take a break from fertility treatments. After three failed IUI’s and about $10k later, we still had no baby and no answers. After the third IUI we wanted to put in some research on a new fertility doctor. We were very unhappy with how the office staff handled our third procedure with them and decided that they were no longer the right fit for us.
Between August 2018 and January 2019, we spoke to one doctor in San Diego who was highly recommended. We live in Austin, Texas so this would become expensive fast with the travel to a different state. We also met with a fertility doctor in Austin, he is the one we are currently using and could not be happier with our choice. We initially met with our current doctor in January of 2019. Why did we wait another whole year before beginning IVF? That is a good question. There are a few reasons there was a year delay. I was not ready to admit that we could not conceive naturally. There was no explanation provided so I convinced myself that we would get pregnant the good ole fashion way. Obviously, that did not happen. Another reason for the delay was because IVF is our last hope for a baby. I could always say that we had IVF to fall back on and once we go through that process if it didn’t work then I have no back up plan.
January 2020 our IVF journey officially began. Or so we thought. I started the birth control, yes, I know. Why take birth control at a time like this? The answer or at least my version is because the doctor has to control every single thing moving through IVF, including when I produce my eggs. I started the birth control and within days, felt sick. I’m talking nausea, tender breasts, tired and miserable. Normally I love wine and I have not been able to stomach it now for almost two months. My breasts got HUGE and now my bras don’t fit. Anyhow, that’s another story. We went to have my sonogram to see if everything looked good so I could stop the birth control and begin the injections to stimulate egg production. They found a cyst on my right ovary. I cried the second the doctor left the room. “You have to be kidding me”, the exact words I said to my husband. This man has been one heck of a trooper on this journey with me. No matter what his thoughts or feelings, he always has the most positive things to say. He just smiled and said there was no reason to cry and that things would happen as they were supposed to. I wanted to punch him right in the nose. How could he not feel the outrage I was feeling? We went back one week later, and the cyst was now bigger, a lot bigger. I was livid! Two more weeks of birth control and no closer to our baby. Two weeks later we went back, and the cyst was gone! I have never been so happy to know that I was now getting to move on to shot time. No more birth control but I have a feeling these injections might make me feel not so hot.
February 20, 2020, IVF injections began. I was both very excited yet extremely nervous. This is the start of what will either give us our baby or confirm that we will never have one. Positive vibes only so I am going with we will get our baby at the end of this journey. Now the time has come, and I am feeling every single emotion a human could feel, all at once. My biggest takeaway on this whole journey is that there is so much out of my control.
Medical Disclaimer:
The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.
