A Letter to My Daughters: Becoming A Mum Through Egg Donation
Inspired by Giovanna Fletcher’s #lettersonmotherhood I wanted to pen a short letter to my girls about what they mean to me after becoming their mum through egg donation. It's after writing this letter that I realized it's actually everything I would have wanted to know, as comfort before making the difficult decision to stop trying with my eggs and move to donor eggs.
When first faced with this decision the whole concept felt completely alien to me, it couldn't have been further from the image I'd always had in my mind about growing our family. I'd had many fears and concerns about whether it would be the right thing for us, but these were far outweighed by the one thing I knew for sure; that I desperately wanted to be a mum. It's only now I'm on the other side that I can see clearly how those fears really were just 'unknowns'.
At the time it really was a leap of faith but without a doubt the best decision we've ever made. My hope is that this letter will not only explain to our girls just how special they are and how they've changed my life, but also to provide hope to those making this decision in the future. By shining a glimmer of light onto those dark and scary 'unknowns', my hope is to provide a glimpse into how amazing the future can still be, with proof that love, and family is so much more than simply genetics.
"Girls, if only I'd known just how, despite not sharing genetics, it wouldn't be possible to love you anymore. All of the worries I'd faced with this alternative, unknown route to motherhood would have disappeared in an instant as you redefined what it really means to be a mum. It's hard to imagine not having you the way that we did, as now that I have you, I couldn't imagine ever having anyone else in my arms. I want you to always know that, even though we tried very hard with my eggs, it was always YOU we were desperately hoping for, I just didn't know it yet.
Those worries about how we might not look very alike, pale into insignificance when I see your beautiful, individual faces - you don't need to look like me to share my smile, a knowing look or to hold an instant connection when I look into your eyes. You are YOU and I love you for that.
Those worries about not feeling like you were 100% mine seem inconceivable when I've never felt more wholly responsible for anything else in this world. Seeing the changes my body went through to have you are reminders of my early important role, and hearing you call me "Mama" every single day just confirms to me that not only are you mine, but I am unequivocally yours too.
Those worries about having an unknown third party involved in your making, something I was once scared to talk openly about, have turned from fear into immense gratitude. I could never express the amount of gratitude I have to our donor for giving me the opportunity to share every single day with you, to have the opportunity to love you and create lifelong memories - whether it be our simple day-to-day routines and laughs that we share, or the birthdays and family holidays together. I once feared being replaced by this unknown person, a fear that now seems absurd, as nothing could replace what we have and share. Instead, I want to celebrate our donor's important role with you with pride, knowing that we will always be thankful to her for bringing you to us.
During our infertility struggles I once worried that I'd lost myself, but you have given me a new purpose in life, not only to be the best mum I can be to you, but to help others see the incredible possibilities as part of this wonderful route to parenthood. You have no idea how much hope you are unknowingly giving to others, something I hope you will be comfortable with me sharing in the future. It's feeling so thankful, proud and happy as a mother to you that has given me the courage to open up these difficult conversations, to show the world how these one-time fears have been replaced with nothing but pride for the girls that you are becoming and thankfulness for the mother you have made me."
Medical Disclaimer:
The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.
