Infertility: Overwhelmed by Feelings of Denial, Grief and Fear
I will begin my first medicated IUI cycle in just a few weeks. However, it took me a long time to reach the point of feeling ready to start infertility treatments. For years, I was overwhelmed by feelings of denial and grief, and I was crippled by my fear.
I was ridden with anxiety, and all that I would experience throughout the ups and downs of fertility treatment.
I was scared of all the medications, hormones, and side effects. I was worried about the costs and how we would find the money to pay for the medications and treatments without fertility insurance coverage. I was afraid of what the doctors may or may not find and how that would affect our chances of becoming pregnant. I was scared I'd go through the entire process just to discover that it didn't work. I couldn't take any more heartbreak or handle the uncertainty that comes along with starting treatment. I wasn't ready to begin.
But I also wasn't willing to walk away. I took my time to educate myself, connect with other mamas-in-waiting, and do what I could to ease my anxieties. I did what I needed, at my comfort level, and my pace.
But I've also felt "behind" on my journey to motherhood. I've compared our circumstances to those of others far more often than I wish to admit. I've watched other couples move forward and start their families at a speed that has felt faster than our own. I felt internal pressure that our pace wasn't quick enough, or that we weren't doing all that we could to grow our family.
It is easy to compare journey’s during infertility, but I've learned to stop. Our choices are our own, each unique, and there are many paths to parenthood. Everyone's road should and will look a little different. The right step is the one that feels best to you no matter if you move forward, stay still, take a break, say no, move on to something else, or change your mind.
As of today, our upcoming IUI feels right to us. I'm still nervous and worried about all that is to come, but I don't think that ever goes away. I have no idea how I will feel throughout our infertility treatments, or in the future. But I also know it's okay to slow down or change gears at any moment in time. Right now, I feel emotionally, physically, and spiritually ready to begin this chapter in our journey, a far improvement from where I was a year ago. It took time for me to get here, and I honor that. No matter what we walk through on this journey, I know it will all work out the way it is intended. Until then, we will take the steps that feel right to us, when we feel ready.
So, wherever you are in this journey, "keep going while knowing you are allowed to pace yourself, no matter the progress, the speed, or the pace of anyone else." -Morgan Harper Nicholas
Follow your heart and listen to your gut. You’ve got this.
Medical Disclaimer:
The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.
