Comparison and Infertility: The Thief of Joy

When we began IVF, I knew (rationally) that I couldn’t compare the number of follicles I had or the number of eggs we retrieved to another woman who doesn’t have diminished ovarian reserve. But, in reality, of course I was doing this!

Comparison and Infertility: The Thief of Joy

We live in a world where it’s impossible not to compare yourself to other women- from social media to your yoga class to that girl you don’t even know at work. When I was in middle school, I compared myself to girls like Lindsay (insert last name here, you know I still remember it,) who was the best athlete in my grade and super-popular. When I was in high school, I compared myself to Joey on Dawson’s Creek (really not helpful since Katie Holmes was like 19 playing a 15-year-old.) When I was in college, I compared myself to other girls in my program who already had job offers lined up- whereas I did not. When we began IVF, I found other women through the online TTC (trying to conceive) community who were also going through the process at the same time. But then I began comparing my results with theirs and struggling with serious jealousy.

I have diminished ovarian reserve (DOR), which means the quality and quantity of my eggs has declined sooner than expected for my age.

This condition affects about 10% of women, and doctors usually can’t pinpoint the exact cause. Women diagnosed with DOR have a lower response to stimulating medications used in IVF compared to women their age whose ovarian reserve is “normal,” meaning they don’t develop as many follicles from which eggs can be retrieved.

When we began IVF, I knew (rationally) that I couldn’t compare the number of follicles I had or the number of eggs we retrieved to another woman who doesn’t have diminished ovarian reserve. But, in reality, of course I was doing this! At my first scan, the ultrasound tech only saw 4 follicles, where an average woman undergoing IVF responding average-ly to the medications would have more like 8-20. Each follicle produces one egg, and we only ended up retrieving 3 eggs- whereas a “good” result would be more like 15-25 eggs. 

There are some stark differences between my numbers and those “good” numbers. While I know it’s human nature to compare my results with someone else’s, it’s obviously not helpful. A friend told me that on her second cycle, she simply stopped asking the ultrasound tech about her numbers until the egg retrieval, so she didn’t worry or compare. That idea didn’t even cross my mind- but now I think it’s a good one! At the end of the day, as that 90’s Baz Luhrmann “Wear Sunscreen” graduation song goes, “Don’t waste your time on jealousy- sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long and, in the end, it’s only with yourself.”

At first, I rationalized my constant comparison by saying, “Well, it’s not like I’m comparing myself to women who can get pregnant naturally- I’m comparing myself to other women who are also in need of IVF to conceive.” But the truth is that even among women who are undergoing advanced fertility treatments, comparison is not helpful. Here is what I learned while undergoing our first IVF cycle:

Everyone’s situation is different.

While I am over here dealing with diminished ovarian reserve, other women are dealing with PCOS, endometriosis, tube damage, male factor infertility, ovulation disorders, cancer treatments, and/or building a family as a LGBTQ couple. No two situations are exactly the same- and while our situation is troubling, there are a lot of other people out there who have troubling situations, too. Comparing my DOR to another woman’s PCOS is like comparing apples to oranges, and it’s not beneficial.

Everyone’s timing is different.

I am also trying to remember that no two women’s timelines are exactly the same- our doctor explained that some months result in more success than others. Our first cycle may have just been a poor month, and the next one could go better. It takes some women one cycle to retrieve, transfer, and conceive, and it takes other women seven cycles. Predicting what my body will do in any given month is just not possible, so realizing that some women have a great first retrieval and others have a failed first retrieval is important. Results can and do vary from month to month, and perhaps the next cycle will go better for us.

Different doesn’t mean “bad.”

A huge part of infertility for me is feeling like something is wrong with me- that my body is defective because it can’t do a major biological thing that it’s supposed to do. I feel like I am disappointing my husband and my family. I frequently have to remind myself there is no “right” way or time to get pregnant or be a parent. We have already begun to entertain alternative family-building options, like using donor eggs if my own continue to respond poorly to IVF. But no matter how we become parents- whether it’s with our own eggs, donor eggs, embryo adoption, or adoption- our experience will be uniquely ours and uniquely right for us. Seeing stories of other women who have conceived and/or became mothers in non-traditional ways helps me realize my story may be different than I predicted but that doesn’t make it wrong or bad.

Every woman and every IVF cycle is unique. Over the course of my first round, I learned the more I compared my results to other women, the worse I felt. I had to keep telling myself that if my story was exactly like my other TTC friends, life wouldn’t be too interesting. It takes all kinds of stories, all kinds of ways to create a family to make the world the beautiful place that it is. For our next IVF cycle, I’m going to try to stop the constant comparison and keep my eyes on my own paper.

Medical Disclaimer:

The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.