What I Wish I Knew Before Starting IVF
So here’s the deal, there is so much I wish I knew before starting IVF. I want to break it down for you in case you haven’t thought of some of these things. I’m 100% pro IVF or fertility treatments, but I do wish I was more aware and informed prior to starting my journey.
What I Wish I Knew Before Starting IVF
IVF treatments don’t equal a baby:
It’s such a misconception, and one I had going into IVF! We thought we would go in, get to choose the sex of our baby (in the USA you can if you have that luxury), and be pregnant 3 months after starting treatments. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case, and the more I dove into this journey the more I realized that this was very far from the truth. It took us 7 transfers to finally have a successful pregnancy. But that also meant we went through multiple egg retrievals and a lot of loss. Some people may not even get eggs or get eggs that become embryos and those are things I didn’t know were possible. IVF also doesn’t guarantee a healthy embryo. I thought ok, with all the medication we would have a healthy embryo that would become a baby. But unfortunately, once again, this is not the case. There are so many hurdles to get through (for some not all), and even if you have a perfectly normal embryo, even if your body is “perfect” on paper, that embryo may not stick during a transfer and many times we don’t ever have a reason as to why.
Infertility changes you:
This is a loaded statement but it’s a very true one. Infertility has changed me, my personality and my attitude. It has made me who I am today and I’m proud of me but I’m definitely a different person. Infertility made me depressed. I know that’s obvious but it did. It made me feel less than people and it made me angry. It made me feel like I was alone but also like I wanted everyone to know what was going on in my head. Infertility made me quiet and it made me disengage with my fertile friends. It made me assume everyone should know what I was going through but also made me not want to talk to anyone for a while.
Infertility made me bounce from being hopeful to being hopeless. It made me doubt myself, my body and my ability to care for me outside of IVF. Infertility was all consuming and it still is.
But infertility also made me strong. It made me stand up for myself and it made me realize how much I am capable of and how much I can endure. It made me realize I have a voice and with time I was able to use it to share, to write and to ask questions and get answers!
So it changed me, but at the end of the day I am stronger, more resilient and a better version of me than I ever thought imaginable.
Infertility changes the way you look:
I know it’s a taboo subject, I know we don’t need to focus on what we look like but infertility does affect your weight and I didn’t expect that! Why? Because treatments and change of lifestyles change your body. Hormones are something we all have some type of a challenge with. So, for me, the further I got into treatments the rounder I noticed my body getting. I wasn’t sure why, at first, but then realized it was from all the hormones and of course the swelling from injections. I stayed on my routine, I ate healthy but I also had to listen to my body, I had to take it easy at times before and after surgeries or transfers and I had to take my exercise routine down a notch. For me it was a blessing in disguise since I do think gaining a little weight helped my journey, but it was still hard to get used to.
Infertility changes the way you feel and the way you think:
Aside from the body changes, infertility changes your moods. The obvious reasons are all the hormones and medications you may have to be on, but a not so obvious reason is the fact that you’re constantly thinking about it. Infertility invades your brain like a massive wave leaving little room for anything else. I wasn’t prepared for that. I knew how much I wanted a baby but I wasn’t prepared to cry every time I saw a baby or a pregnant person. I wasn’t prepared to feel angry at pregnancy announcements. I wasn’t prepared to feel annoyed by people’s comments (who usually meant well) but were slightly insensitive. I wasn’t prepared to be consumed with it and have it take over the life I already had.
This consumption led to guilt for me! It made me feel like I was a bad mom, a bad wife and friend for always thinking about the next step in my journey rather than being fully present. I felt very guilty and still do today! I wasn’t aware that this was an emotion that would come along with wanting to have another child. But unfortunately, the stigma with secondary infertility and just infertility in general is much different than anyone who does not struggle to conceive. And I wasn’t prepared for that.
This in turn made me very angry. Before understanding this feeling I let it out in my husband a lot. I let it affect us and I also let it affect my friendships. This is normal, but it also was something I wish I would have known so that I could be prepared for it. I did and continue to speak with my therapist about these moods and emotions, and while they’re all valid, they were all new to me and just added another layer of stress to this already taxing journey.
Infertility changes your relationship:
My marriage was affected. We both didn’t know how to communicate the stressors of infertility. We tried to carry on like nothing was that heavy and nothing was weighing us down for a while, but that backfired and we argued, a lot. We didn’t really know what was happening but once we expressed our emotions with the help of a therapist we got through it. I wasn’t prepared for that though. I was imagining us being on one team, on the same page every step of the way. I imagined us feeling the same emotional effects and I imagined my partner being there for me ALL the time. That was unrealistic! Why? Because our partners go through their own set of emotions too. The way they experience the journey could be different (and in most cases, is) than us which makes it difficult to support each other unless you’re able to communicate this.
It took work but I can honestly say our relationship is the strongest its ever been. We have been through so much together and I know that has created a bond stronger than I ever thought possible. But again, something I didn’t expect and something that took a lot of effort to figure out.
Infertility changes your plans:
Aside from the given “we can have sex and have a baby,” infertility can alter your plans. The reality is that you will be tied down to this and this is all you will want to focus on, treatments or not. So, if anything affects that course or plan of action well those things will be placed on the back burner. I wasn’t expecting this.
We went through treatments for many years. At first we tried to plan life as if nothing was happening, as if we weren’t spending thousands of dollars to have a baby. We planned trips and made plans. But as time passed that quickly changed. We started to worry that a vacation or an event would interfere with our treatments and our IVF calendar. We changed a lot of plans and based a lot of future decisions on the notion of “what if we are pregnant.” This put a lot of pressure on both of us and honestly made us even more stressed. For a while I felt like I was losing myself, losing what I enjoyed doing, eating and drinking because of IVF. So plans changed in this regard.
But I also wasn’t expecting it to take so long to conceive. My plan was to have a baby within three months of treatments (or get pregnant), and that didn’t happen. My plan was to have my kids closer in age and that didn’t happen either. My plans for each lost embryo were thrown out the window and my plans for being pregnant by a certain date, or event were never a reality. So, plans changed, a lot.
The thing is that I am a very big planner. I plan my day, my hours and my life. I use a calendar and a planner and I like to know when things are happening. I’m not the best with changes in plans. But IVF doesn’t care about that. Even if you have a calendar of what your treatment plan will look like it never (at least it never has for me) goes the exact way its written out. That was hard. I didn’t realize my body could change so much from one treatment to another one. I didn’t realize the doctor could change his/her mind on protocols, and I didn’t realize my body could just not react to certain medications the way it was “supposed” to.
I suppose if I had known this maybe I would have been more prepared to accept these changes, to accept the fact that nothing goes as planned. But I was very much unaware of this and it took a long time to accept this.
Infertility looks different for everyone:
I knew that everyone had different struggles, different paths and different protocols but I never expected to feel so different than everyone else. Yes, being in a community of infertile women has helped me tremendously in coping with all the emotions that go into this journey, but it has also made it hard to not compare my journey to others. Why haven’t my embryos implanted? Why did hers work on the first try? Why did she do an ERA or take this medication? Why can’t I up my dosage? Why was her lining so much thicker? There are just a few questions that I asked my doctor constantly. After a while I learned to trust my doctors and learned to ask ALL the questions. And by that, I mean I learned to ask and be my own advocate and take all the information I learned from other people and then I decided to trust the answers that my doctor gave me instead of focusing on what others were doing.
Here’s the thing, all our bodies are different. Not only that but our own bodies can fluctuate from treatment to treatment! So even if someone has the same diagnosis as you, it doesn’t mean that they will be put on the same medications or protocol as you. Learning what works for your body takes time and it’s important to remember that as much as something seemed to work for someone you know, it won’t necessarily work for you. But everything is worth an ask!
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Medical Disclaimer:
The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.
