The Importance of Listening to Your Gut
One of the things that I’ve found to be extremely hard throughout the IVF process is to trust my gut. Which is ironic because the journey with my autoimmune disease through IVF has put me more in tune with my body, and what it needs, than I ever have been.
The battle to coax your body into fertility, something you always assumed would come naturally and easily, has the ability to pry loose the anchor you normally have in your instincts. As you’re feeling faulty in your steps, you look to the advice and guidance of a doctor well versed in the world of fertility with expertise in making failing bodies like yours produce life. When it feels like your body has abandoned you and you’re feeling unstable in your own shoes, it’s just easier to rely on someone else to make the decisions and judgments about how the journey should proceed.
Although this roller coaster ride has been incredibly difficult, it has forced me to put myself first more than I usually do. My husband sometimes gets frustrated with my tendency to give weight to the concerns of others over my own as it sometimes comes at a heavy cost to my energy level, anxiety and overall wellness. IVF has definitely forced me to suppress this impulse to prioritize others and think about whether I have the capacity to give before I offer. As I’ve worked on myself throughout this process, I’ve often wondered, given that putting myself first requires paying attention to what I need and want, why it is so hard for me to listen to my gut when it comes to my medical choices.
I had a frozen embryo transplant in November of 2019. Going into it I was convinced that it wasn’t going to work. I remember telling this to my acupuncturist. She responded by saying something like, “if you feel that way why not postpone or tell your doctor to implant a different embryo?” I just shrugged and said, “because it’s probably just anxiety.” It may very well have been anxiety, but it also could have been my body somehow telling me that it wasn’t ready. To my surprise the transfer was successful, and my HCG levels rose as they should. We even saw a heartbeat at week 7. But at week 8 the heartbeat had stopped, and the fetal pole had started breaking down. Following a D&C, I started doing research, trying to dig into what might have happened since we knew the embryo had been genetically normal (and confirmed this through the D&C). While I wasn’t successful in my research, I had this feeling that my body, handicapped by an autoimmune disease, couldn’t handle the onslaught of hormones. Based on this I started to look into whether implantations could be done with lower or no hormones, and it turns out they can! So, when we spoke to our doctor about next steps, I told him I wanted to do a natural implantation. To my surprise he didn’t push back and said he would be happy to do it and that, in fact, he knew of places working to increase their use of natural implantations. Feeling proud of myself for listening to my gut instead of locking it in a soundproof room, I knew I had made the right choice. Even if it didn’t work, at least I would know.
A few days later however I asked a friend of mine pass along some fertility questions to her father-in-law (he’s a top doctor in the field and I thought a second opinion couldn’t hurt). Here I was, without thinking about it, feeling a little lost at sea and questioning my gut. Questioning my instinct. Hearing his response led me down a deep rabbit hole, not my first one in the IVF journey and most certainly not my last. According to him, natural implantations have a lower success rate than the typical IVF protocol. I was shocked to hear this since my doctor had told us that the success rates are comparable. I spent the next week chasing my tail, wondering if I was wrong to pursue a natural cycle if there seemed to be mixed opinions on its effectiveness. After turning my mind inside out, over and over, for about a week, I sat down and reminded myself that I had made this decision based on my gut, what I felt my body was telling me. Even if my instinct turns out to be wrong, at least I will have my answer. A worse outcome would be ignoring the voice in my head, facing another failure and kicking myself for not listening. So while I’m going to continue to listen to all the people, I have helping me on my fertility journey (doctor, husband, family, friends, acupuncturists, and others); I’m going to try to do a better job of listing to the voice that really matters, my own.
Medical Disclaimer:
The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.
