The Fear: Pregnancy After Infertility & Loss
The one thing I have learned about infertility is that this journey comes with absolutely no guarantees - and the pain you have experienced in the past can take away from the joy you should experience. After three years of trying for our second child, my husband and I are expecting. We have experienced loss, we have experienced negative test after negative test, we have experienced bad news – and now that we have some good news it feels impossible to settle in and embrace it. Because after so much heartache, I’m scared. And the fear overrides the excitement.
We tried for almost two years to conceive naturally.
We had my daughter without issues. But I was older now – 35 and my husband was 37. We figured with the age factor it would take longer. My doctors assured me I had nothing to worry about. I had a few chemical pregnancies, but mostly got negative test after negative test. Finally, I took matters into my own hands and went to a fertility specialist. After a few months of testing, we learned I have a closed tube on my left side, and a lazy ovary on my right side. My husband had motility issues that were cleared up with cutting back on alcohol, caffeine and adding the vitamin ConceptionRX by Theralogix to his daily routine.
In May of 2019 we did our first IUI and it failed. In July we did our second IUI and we got a positive test. A few weeks later we lost the pregnancy. I was devasted. Our doctor recommended we move to IVF, but I wasn’t ready for it. In September we did our final IUI which failed.
I was terrified to start IVF.
It’s incredibly expensive – not only financially but emotionally. I started my retrieval protocol and was immediately exhausted and turned into a lunatic. I couldn’t control my emotions. I found myself randomly crying at work. I was raging over the smallest things. And – I was petrified. I was so scared we would put all of this time, money and energy into something that wasn’t going to work. We ended up with 12 eggs retrieved – and now it was time to start the waiting game to see how many would fertilize and how many would make it to blastocyst (an embryo that can either be transferred or will be frozen). We ended up with 10 mature eggs. Of those 10, seven fertilized and of those seven, four made it to blastocyst. We decided to PGS test our embryos based on my history of chemical pregnancy and miscarriage.
It took about three weeks from the egg retrieval procedure to the time we would find out the results of our embryo testing.
The waiting in between each stage was excruciating. I tried to keep myself busy, but when you’re waiting on news that impacts your life in such a huge way, it’s impossible to not be constantly thinking about what the outcome will be. I was in a spiral. Terrified of the outcome. Terrified of a call with bad news. I tried to focus on the positive – we had four embryos. There was every reason to believe we would get at least one that was normal. But I was too scared to believe the good. I instead focused on preparing myself for the worst. When we got the call that we had two normal embryos I was numb. I knew I should be so excited about the outcome. We were onto the next step. But something inside of me held me back.
I decided to take a break before we went onto transfer. I needed time to emotionally compose myself before loading myself back up with hormones that would effectively put me in menopause. It was the end of October and I wanted to step away from trying to get pregnant. Almost three years into the journey and I was exhausted. The holiday season was approaching, and I wanted to enjoy it.
So, I drank what I wanted, ate what I wanted and tried to forget about everything else. And for the most part, I was successful. In November when I got my period after egg retrieval, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. It was the first period I had in years that didn’t send me into a downward spiral. I was laughing again without the weight of infertility taking over my life. November and December flew by – and I enjoyed every second of them. On December 31st it was time for me to start my transfer protocol. I woke in the morning to give myself a Lupron shot – I looked in the mirror and the anxiety and emotions came pouring in. I didn’t escape them. I had just pushed them so far in the back of my mind. But it was time to face them and move forward.
Soon after I started my Lupron shots, I introduced estrogen patches. And then it was time for the dreaded progesterone in oil shots (I was terrified of these, and I can tell you after 40+ shots of progesterone – they really aren’t as bad as they seem. The anxiety of the unknown before you do them is the worst part). On January 30th, 2020, we transferred one embryo. It was off to the next round of waiting.
Five days post transfer I took my first pregnancy test – and it was positive.
Both my husband and I had the same reaction. We felt it didn’t mean anything. We had been here before. We knew this song and dance. I continued to test, and the line continued to get darker and darker. But still, I had no excitement. As the test grew darker, my fear increased. I kept telling myself that I would be OK once we had our first beta. When that was a strong number, I said I needed my second beta to feel confident. When the number almost tripled from the first beta, I then said I needed the third beta to feel OK. You can guess where this trend is heading.
A few weeks later we had our ultrasound. We saw the heartbeat. The little baby inside was measuring exactly where it should. And I finally had a momentary sigh of relief. But it was just momentary. As I got in my car to leave the appointment, I was again filled with anxiety.
As I sit here writing this, I want to slap myself. The logical side of me knows that I should be embracing the positive. But after connecting with so many women in the infertility world I’ve found that many women feel this way. I’ve found that I’m not as crazy as I thought I was. It’s hard because you think that all you need is that positive to get that sigh of relief – but what I have come to understand is that I won’t be able to let go of all of my fears until I have a healthy baby in my arms. As I’ve become more open with this battle inside of my mind, I’ve received comments from people that I should shut up about the fear and just be thankful. Trust me – I wish I could. And I am thankful. But through this process I know too much. And instead of hiding in the shadows with my fears, I’m going to step into the light and say them out loud. I hope that other women out there who feel the same thing and are struggling with these thoughts know they are not alone. Most importantly I hope they know they are not crazy. These feelings are valid. And maybe we can tackle this together out in the open, instead of sitting in silence with anxiety and fear bubbling inside.
Medical Disclaimer:
The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.
