Surviving The Holiday Season When Trying to Conceive

This December, my IVF twins will be nine years old. I never thought I would ever make that statement. But I can and so this year we will celebrate. I still vividly remember many past holidays during my fertility journey where I did not want to celebrate. My mind was far from a happy place back then and at that time, it seemed to me that I would always be this way. My head was occupied trying to navigate reasons of any kind as to how to get out of going to the “holiday party” and figuring out what I would say to people if they asked me anything even remotely connected to my pregnancy or lack of it. Just thinking about going out was mentally exhausting and made my heart palpitate. My Armour was up, and my insular world was completely focused on those things that could harm me; these were what I called triggers. Therefore, at this celebratory time of the year, I was far from the world of meeting and greeting.

What was the result of all of this feeling of anguish? The obvious result was that I stayed home. In fact, it was not just me. My husband was affected by this trauma, and he stayed home as well. We were like prisoners in our own home. I did not feel guilty, nor did I feel I was missing out. I watched a lot of Netflix and caught up on sleep. I rested and restored my energy just in time for the new year and another treatment cycle. I look back at that person now and wonder how I managed to cope.

The holiday season can be stressful, even in the best of times.

This is true for many people for all sorts of reasons. Family get togethers combined with the pressure to celebrate, be merry and enjoy can be overwhelming for many people. For individuals and couples struggling with infertility, the holidays bring an additional stress to an already complex situation. It’s not an easy feeling or a place to be where you are consumed with your own loss, yearning and grief and at the same time, everyone else appears to be celebrating. What could I do to deal with these feeling of anxiety, depression, envy and longing? I was able to recognize my situation but that did not change it.

I acknowledged in some way that I, or for that matter anyone else in my exact predicament could not ignore the emotional pain and discomfort associated with infertility. Yet it struck me that there were certain things I or anyone else could contemplate in advance in order to Bem better prepared physically and mentally to get through this period of time and maybe even to experience some joy. I gradually was able to develop methods of dealing with my pain and suffering. I have tried to set down these coping mechanisms I created for myself.

Below are some tips to consider as you embark on this holiday season and are faced with jolly smiles on jolly people who may or may not know about your suffering.

They are suffering too:

Suffering is embedded into our human condition. When your world becomes narrowly focused on your own problems, you lose sight that others are struggling too. Their problems are not your problems, but to them they are every bit as real and burdensome as are yours. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Just remembering this fact can put us back in touch with our human spirit and connectedness. When you can appreciate that others are low, this understanding can take you out of your own world of grief even for a few minutes.

Self-care:

Treat yourself to things and activities that make you feel happy and good. This may be getting your nails done, going for a walk, taking some time out on your own to read a good book or watch a movie. What makes you feel good? It may seem hard to visualize yourself enjoying some kind of event at a time when you are so focused on your own suffering, but the more you can attempt to bring joy into your life, the better off you will be. Another possibility includes a plan to participate in activities as a couple or with close friends with whom you can share your vulnerable state. If you have time off work, spend time outside in nature. This is a particularly useful tool to deal with your psyche. I have found that when I move my body, my mind will follow. I suggest that this may work for you as well.

Gratitude:

Perhaps the most important part of confronting the emotional pain associated with infertility is to intentionally to focus on the things in life you are grateful for. Infertility can skew your perspective and create a negative bias. When we actively choose to pay attention to the things around us that we are grateful for, the negative bias diminishes. Recent studies have found that people who practice gratitude are happier. Write a gratitude letter or begin a gratitude journal. What are you grateful for?

Boundaries:

Give yourself permission to stay home and not go to social events especially if you aren’t in the mood. You can even see how you feel the day of the party or event. Parties that include young families and babies can be a trigger. These kinds of social occasions are not likely for you if you know that they cause you to fret. Sometimes saying no to an RSVP, is saying yes to yourself. If your close family know that you are struggling to conceive, you can explain that you find these events difficult and that you need to look after your emotional well-being. But you don’t owe anyone an explanation. Keep that in mind.

Pass up on the Drink:

Depending on where you are in your cycle, having a glass or two of wine can on the face of it sometimes temporarily help ease the internal tension you may be feeling. At least that is how you may view it when you are offered that drink. Keep in mind that alcohol is a depressant and although it may help you feel more relaxed for a couple hours, you may feel worse off the next day.

New Traditions:

Start new traditions with yourself or your partner. How can you make this time meaningful? Helping others that are less fortunate always helps to widen your perspective and helps to make you feel productive. That is a blessing for you. Ultimately, the holidays are a break away from our normal routine. This break in itself can assist in renewing and restoring your spirit and energy. I support anything that can restore that energy and give you a more positive outlook.

Now as a mother of three, I still enjoy staying home and taking it easy. I prefer to sit by the quiet fireplace as opposed to go socialize. Interestingly enough, I use these exact same techniques discussed above in my every day life; as I cope with the challenges of being a parent of three very busy and active children.

Amira is a Social Worker in Toronto, Ontario. She works with individuals and couples who are struggling with infertility. Amira facilitates the Mind-Body Fertility Group, and the Online Mindfulness Fertility Series. She is also a mother of three miracles. www.healinginfertility.ca and @thefertilemind

Medical Disclaimer:

The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.