Morgan: Our 7-Year Infertility Journey
My husband and I are high school sweethearts. We met at 15 and 16 years old. When we were young, we used to always talk about our future and how we couldn’t wait to start a family together one day. After surviving a long-distance relationship through college and him moving to a new state, we decided to start our lives together at 22.
Morgan: Our 7-Year Infertility Journey
At 23 years old, I went off the birth control pill and we didn’t necessarily start “trying” right away, but we weren’t “not-trying” either.
We knew we were ready to begin our family and just had the attitude that it would probably happen within a few months for us. [Why I spent so many years of my life prior to this thinking that women just had sex and got pregnant right away is beyond me.] This was, sadly, the beginning of my infertility journey. Looking back, I would have never imagined my life to have turned out this way at such a young age. I was so naive in thinking I could plan my life with my husband, and it would just end up like that. We had always dreamed of having a big family, with three kids and being done by the time we were 30. We used to dream about that all the time together when we were younger.
After about six months had gone by and it hadn’t happened, I remember thinking it was weird.
I honestly felt a little worried even though it was just the beginning. I just had this feeling that something was wrong. What we thought was supposed to just “happen” for us wasn’t happening. My husband and I were so young… why wasn’t I getting pregnant? I couldn’t understand and I felt so alone. We didn’t feel like opening up to our family and friends about what we were going through. We felt like we couldn’t relate to anyone. When I would read about other women going through infertility, I felt even more isolated because of my age. We were 23 years old, just beginning to realize that getting pregnant and starting that family we had always dreamed of was going to be a lot more difficult for us than we had ever thought it would be. Even though we didn’t share what we were going through with anyone, I’ve always been an advocate for standing up for myself. I wasn’t afraid to bring it up to my obgyn, I felt like I had to. I had to take control of what was happening, or in my case, what wasn’t happening with my body. I knew she would probably think I was a little young to be worried, but I didn’t care. This was the beginning of me learning to not only speak up for myself when it came to my reproductive health, but get in tune with my body more than ever.
She reassured me that I shouldn’t worry, maybe my body just needed a little help.
We tried two rounds of clomid, two rounds of femara and I still wasn’t pregnant. We couldn’t understand why, and we felt so sad about it. I was tracking my basal body temperature and following every other possible tip that I could. Every single month that went by, we tried so hard to get pregnant. When I say we tried hard, we literally tried every possible trick we could. We tried everything from stressing about it to not stressing about it. Being more uptight about diet and exercise to being more relaxed and stress-free about it. We tried vitamins, supplements, pineapple core. We literally tried everything. Nothing worked. Month after month, I got my period. Month after month, I began to doubt everything.. my body, my mind, my life. Month after month, I cried. I cried for the baby I wanted so badly. The baby I wanted to give my husband. The baby I wanted so badly for our family.
Right after this time period, we ended up seeing our first RE.
Our bloodwork and my HSG had all come back fine, so the RE thought we would have a really great chance with IUI. Over the span of a few months, we went through two different IUI’s. Each time I got my period right as scheduled, and each time I sobbed for days. When we actually began to seek treatment for infertility, we were so excited about the possibility of clomid or IUI’s helping us. Each time these initial treatments didn’t work, I was left feeling more and more like a failure. My body was failing me, it was failing us. I was just devastated. I was 25 years old by this point. Why were my husband and I having so much trouble starting the family we had always longed for? It was just heartbreaking. It’s something really only people struggling with infertility can understand. The want for a child so badly, that you can’t have. Every day, we put on a brave face for the world, but we were crying on the inside.
At 26 years old, we ended up moving and knew we weren’t going to stop pursuing our dreams to start our family.
We found a new fertility clinic and were ready to get started right away. We had already been trying for three years by this point and didn’t feel like we wanted to waste any more time. We were so hopeful again. Having unexplained infertility is confusing. It made me question and worry about everything. It made us truly doubt that we would ever be able to have our own children. The plan was for me to start the stim meds for IVF and have my egg retrieval soon after that. From there, we’d do IVF with ICSI. We were also going to do PGS testing to make sure we were transferring chromosomally normal embryos. Embryos, as my doctor put it, that would have the best chance at implanting in my uterus to give us the pregnancy that we had been longing for.
We felt very blessed when I had 17 eggs retrieved, 11 mature, and 10 were fertilized.
After the PGS testing, we ended up with 5 embryos, all graded 5AA. We were beyond happy. We couldn’t believe it when the doctor told us how great our embryos looked. We actually did something right in the infertility world? We felt like we had so much to be hopeful for again. I remember thinking this just had to be it for us. We had finally made it to IVF, ended up with these beautiful embryos and this was definitely going to be the answers to our prayers. All those years we had spent trying so hard, longing for our family and our baby, I felt like it was finally going to be our time. Our doctor even made us feel so hopeful. How could I not get pregnant? We went into our first frozen embryo transfer with so much certainty that we would get pregnant.
We didn’t. We went through 3 failed FET cycles.
Each cycle felt like it took months and months. It kind of did. Between the start of the birth control pill, the numerous ultrasound appointments, countless bloodwork, progesterone in oil, del estrogen, the transfer itself and then the two-week wait, it’s was months of mental torture. Just as our hopes had been restored they were quickly shattered and destroyed with each failed FET we endured. I’ve never been through a more challenging time in my entire life. My husband and I now talk about how we spent literally what feels like most of our 20’s trying to start our family. We’re okay with that though. We wouldn’t have it any other way. After our first FET failed, we were just heartbroken. The mental and emotional damage was hard for us to bear. There were days, that turned into months, where I truly felt like I couldn’t go on. By the time our second FET failed, and then the third one didn’t work either, we were at the lowest point we’d ever been in our entire lives. I’ll never forget the night my husband and I sat on the floor, holding each other, crying for hours. We were completely destroyed and broken. 3 failed FET transfers and two broken hearts. We took a few extra months off and somehow picked ourselves up back up off the ground, and we were ready to try our 4th transfer. We still had two embabies waiting for us. As broken as we were, we were never going to give up.
Early on, from the time it seemed like we were going to have a more difficult time getting pregnant, there was this crazy intuition that I had deep inside of me. I had learned more about my body the last seven years going through infertility than I had about anything else. I was in tune with every little thing. Every feeling, every twinge, every instinct. I had become tunnel vision in my own infertility journey and there was no stopping me. I knew I was obviously having some type of implantation issues. None of our embryos had ever implanted. I’d never been pregnant in my entire life. It had been 7 years of trying. 7 long, painful years. I became my own expert in a way. I had been reading, and what felt like, dedicating my life, to learning more about implantation issues in IVF and FET’s. On my 4th FET transfer, I literally took matters into my own hands. I knew had some type of implantation issue going on in my body like I said, it was obvious to me. My doctor wasn’t ready to agree with me that this was my case. I spoke up for myself numerous times and I was not going to back down.
By this point, I had read and educated myself relentlessly around steroid use and implantation in FET cycles. I begged him to let me try a higher dosage than the small dose I had been prescribed. When he only agreed to up my dosage slightly, I knew I had to do whatever it took. My intuition and my heart were telling me exactly what I needed to do. I had spent months educating myself about it. I doubled my own dose to give my body an actual chance to accept my embryo. I never looked back… I HAD to. I haven’t regretted it for one second of my life. I know this is what gave me my son. The one and only time I have EVER been pregnant in my entire life. With all the reading and research I had done, I was my own biggest advocate. The stories and articles I had read about implantation issues and steroids had given me not only the knowledge that I needed to take charge of my infertility journey, but the confidence to take control of my body as well. August 1, 2018, the date of our 4th embryo transfer, my life changed forever. Six days later, for the first time in my entire life, I had a positive pregnancy test. We truly couldn’t believe it. All of those months, all of those years, of heartache were over. It took us days, weeks and months into my pregnancy to stop pinching ourselves and start believing in the miracle we had just witnessed happen right before our eyes.
Nine months after our 4th FET, I gave birth to the most perfect, beautiful baby boy we could have ever hoped for. My husband and I still look at each other in total disbelief all the time. We are truly amazed. He’s 15 months old now. Still, all the time, we look at him… while he plays, sleeps, eats, laughs and discovers the world… and are in total awe. After 7 years of trying for our baby, it still feels surreal every single day. You hear people say they would do it all over again, and it’s true. We would go through all the heartache and every single day we felt broken, over and over again, for our son. He is the best thing that has ever happened to us and he’s our entire world. Miracles really do happen. I will forever share my story to inspire other women out there. Follow your heart, you are your own biggest advocate. I know you are longing for your baby, for your family to be complete. Keep fighting and don’t ever give up. I know I didn’t realize it at the time, but infertility warriors are mothers long before they ever have their babies. I promise your time is coming and one day you will understand why you were given the journey you’re on.
There’s no words to really, truly describe how blessed we are. After 7 long years, we have the family we always dreamed of. It might not look like the family we thought we were going to have at 23, but it’s the family we were always meant to have. I’m thankful beyond measure. Our journey with infertility isn’t over. It will always be a part of us. It’s changed our lives in the worst and best ways ever possible. It’s a part of who we were, but it doesn’t define who we are. When we are ready, we plan on fighting again, for our baby that’s waiting for the three of us.
Medical Disclaimer:
The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.