Infertility Never Goes Away

My sister-in-law announced her pregnancy a few weeks after we found out our 7th transfer worked. This is their first baby and of course I’m happy for them but my mind immediately asked why. Why was it easy for them and not me?

Infertility Never Goes Away

I started crying, I felt horrible. My husband asked me what was going on. “I thought this would end once we were pregnant,” he said. “So did I,” I replied. I was so confused, so lost in my thoughts and didn’t feel like talking about it much more after that.

I realized something, infertility PTSD doesn’t just go away.

It doesn’t leave me alone now that I’m pregnant. I mean I guess how could I expect it to if it never left me after the twins were born right? I thought this time it would be different though; I thought those feelings were making their way out the door. I guess I was wrong.

Trauma is very strong; it doesn’t just get erased when you think it should. I didn’t know this. In fact, it came up all over again when I heard the new baby on the way news. It surfaced again, I went back to the day I miscarried, my mind started wondering if I would end up miscarrying the baby I was now carrying. I started to think about what I would have to go through if I did miscarry. Would I transfer the mosaic embryo we have left? Would I jump into another retrieval? Would I even want to try again? I thought about all the years of hormones, of sadness, of putting my life on hold. I thought about all of the money we have spent, the time I spent away from my girls and the emotional roller coaster that is IVF. That petrified me! I don’t want to go down that road again, at least not yet.

I talked to my therapist about these feelings, these emotions that seem to surface whenever we talk about babies. She reminded me that I am happy for others, that I don’t have a heart of coal and that I’m not cold blooded. But that I am HUMAN, and that I have been through trauma and unfortunately, trauma doesn’t just disappear. I thought about this for a while, I started being very aware of everything that was and still is resurfacing as I walk through this pregnancy.

Here’s the deal, I’m STILL scared. I’m scared that if this failed, I must do treatments again.

I’m scared to have another D&C and scar my uterus. I’m scared to pay for a 5th round and an 8th transfer, I’m scared to put my body through it again and I’m scared to put my family through so much heartache and stress. Because infertility is all of that! Making a baby is not fun, it’s not easy and it’s not very exciting. It’s scary, it’s exhausting, it’s traumatic and it’s unpredictable. And if I want to have another baby, or if I end up losing this one, I know what lies ahead of me and it’s not rainbows and butterflies.

Infertility doesn’t go away.

Just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean I’m fertile. It doesn’t mean I’m OK and I’m at peace. It’s always around me. I see my daughters and I’m constantly reminded of what I went through to have them, to keep them! I see my belly and I smile but then I immediately have flashbacks of every single doctor’s appointment, of all the negative phone calls and BETA tests. I see a lot of tears and a lot of disappointed faces. I see a lot of needles and medications that I STILL have in my pantry stuffed in a huge box because I’m STILL afraid I may need them again soon and I don’t want to throw them out for that reason. I see credit card statements and I see the days Nick and I argued over money, overpaying for this journey. I see the frustration in his eyes and the guilt that poured through my body after each payment. I see the confusion in my daughter’s eyes every time I had to go to the doctor. I see the fear in their bodies that something is wrong with mommy. I see the sadness they feel when I can’t get off the couch or when I cry in front of them. I SEE IT ALL. And by seeing it all I am reminded that infertility isn’t going anywhere for me. Nope, its staying right here in front of my face, reminding me of what was and what could be again.

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