I Was One of the First IVF Babies, Now I’m Going Through IVF Too
My mom had me when she was 38 in 1991. I was one of the first 50 IVF babies born at BJC hospital in St. Louis. 31 years later, now I’m going through IVF.
Growing up, my mom told me that she had an ectopic pregnancy before me. She told me that doctors said after that she couldn’t have kids and that I was a miracle. She just left out the part about how she had one failed transfer before me. About how she had a Salpingectomy. About how I was one of two embryos implanted into her during her second transfer, and how she’s pretty sure she miscarried the other one.
With tears in her eyes, my mom told me when I was 31 that I myself am an IVF baby. She told me because she wanted me to tell my doctor in case her infertility was genetic.
It turns out it’s not - I had endometriosis which took over my right fallopian tube, leading to my own Salpingectomy. IVF is my only option for getting pregnant. Also, generational fertility (at least on the woman’s side), isn’t a major factor while trying to conceive.
I don’t fault my mom for waiting to tell me. I wouldn’t fault her if she never wanted to tell me at all. In the days after she told me I felt a couple of different emotions - there’s the guilt for my teenage years when I told her I hated her. The guilt of my elementary years when I would quit sports prematurely or beg her to come pick me up from sleep away camp. These are normal parts of child development, however I feel even more selfish knowing the sacrifices and the emotional toll IVF brings. I should have been better - I shouldn’t have lied about where I was senior year when I drank alcohol for the first time (and ended up with stitches on my foot but that's a different story). I should have had a better GPA and tried harder in school instead of doing the bare minimum. I shouldn't have complained about being an only child.
There’s also a sense of admiration and apprehension that comes with the knowledge of your entry into this world. I've been incredibly lucky in life. I had a fantastic upbringing. I'll never forget summer nights playing softball with my dad, or walking the dogs to the local ice cream stand, or being able to participate in all of the plays and recitals I was in growing up. My parents were always there for me. My dad passed away 10 years ago, but my mom was there to watch me graduate college, land a teaching job, and get married. My mom tells me every time she sees me she's proud of me. This was all possible because she took a leap of faith and tried this new thing called IVF.
My mom sharing the revelation of my creation also brought a sense of hope. I am living proof that this works. I could be one of the first multigenerational IVF success stories.
She’s a role model for me as I start preparing my body to transfer one of the 5 PGT tested frozen embryos that my husband and I are lucky to have. I have the advantage of the IVF process being refined. She did not - it was still new and taboo in 1991. My mom never even told her mom, my grandma, that I’m an IVF baby because of the misconceptions that surrounded it at the time. I’m lucky to have the support of friends - both real and the people I’ve met through the IVF community online. My mom didn't have that. IVF can make you feel alone, and I imagine my mom felt a whole other level of loneliness.
Women who have miracle babies grapple with when (or if) to tell their child that they were extracted from their mom as an egg, frozen in time, and then implanted back into their mom and that’s how they exist in this world. Everyone has to make her own decision about when this conversation happens and I'm not about to declare when the right moment for this conversation is for everyone. But I appreciate my mom telling me as an adult. The timing has only made me appreciate my mom more now that I understand first hand just how difficult IVF is.
I teach teenagers. Many of them are not mature enough to comprehend the fact that they did not come into the world the way we're taught is "right". No kid wants to feel different, even though our differences are what make us who we are. IVF is not something to ever feel ashamed of. But infertility is tricky and feelings get hurt unintentionally.
I feel like I’ll wait to tell my own miracle babies about how they came into the world until they’re old enough to understand, and not because I want to be seen as a hero or a “warrior” by any means. I want them to grow up feeling loved and then to feel a whole other wave of unconditional love once they’re adults like I did when my mom told me.
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