On Longing and Being: Hope and Grief During Fertility Treatments

On Longing and Being: Hope and Grief During Fertility Treatments

Grief and hope seem like odd companions, diametrically opposed. But they exist side by side or, perhaps more accurately (to my thinking) hand in hand. Inside us. Inside you. These two emotions—and emotional states—can’t be separated, not really.

Hope holds possibility. Possibility is associated with action; with steps we can take to achieve something meaningful. Fertility treatments to become a parent, to create a family, have a baby. The lengths you will go to pursue what matters—to you. All the appointments, injections, schedules, protocols, tests, and the numerous other things you do that only you are aware of, are in service of someone you haven’t met yet. They also serve the part of you who is seeking to grow.

Hope takes the lead here. It’s like a compass in your pocket.

Such a beautiful thing.

Where hope correlates to beginnings; grief connotes endings. While hope is forever pushing us toward new discoveries or information, treatments and remedies, grief forces us to accept something we wish we didn’t have to. And yet grief, if we surrender to it, will ultimately deliver us—you—to another new beginning where hope is right there waiting.

Begin and end. Start and finish. Hope and grief. But between those two extremes there is a middle space. The middle space is not binary (it’s not either/or). The middle has the capacity to hold opposites forces—emotions—feelings like grief and hope (that seemingly don’t go together).

Over at All the Love After Loss I wrote that “Carl Jung explored a way of looking at one’s life and feelings through something he called ‘holding the tension of the opposites.’ In simplest terms, this means feeling the opposite forces at work within us simultaneously. There is tension when you feel two things that are in contrast with each other, particularly in situations where the stakes are high. 

Approaching your fertility journey using Dr. Jung’s “holding the tension” paradigm can be useful in framing what you might sometimes be feeling as you navigate lots of emotions at once. Doing this is a facet of mindfulness, of accepting what is, inside you.

A study in the Journal of Clinical Psychology stated that meditation-based practices can increase mindfulness. And we know that mindfulness has been shown to have positive effects on well-being. This includes holding those opposite emotions side by side in conscious awareness without having to do anything about them except acknowledge their existence. It’s the kind of thing that you can do throughout the day, here and there. You may find that working with a licensed therapist, in addition to incorporating daily activities that strengthen this connection—meditation that can be done is a variety of ways through journaling, yoga, art, walking, gardening, cooking, for example—are both calming and affirming. The more you do this the greater your resilience and tolerance and acceptance of the natural ups and downs can have a chance to further root and grow.

So, begin to notice where and how grief and hope organically to overlap. Think of the words of Desmond Tutu: “Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.” This implies the natural coexistence of hope and grief both in the world and, most importantly, inside you.

-By Meredith Resnick, LCSW worked in healthcare for two decades and maintains a strong interest in healing through the expressive arts. Her creative nonfiction has appeared in the Washington Post, JAMA, PsychologyToday.com, Los Angeles Times, Newsweek, Motherwell and others. All the Love: Healing Your Heart and Finding Meaning After Pregnancy Loss (2021) is her first book.

Medical Disclaimer:

The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.