Behind the Book: All the Love: Healing Your Heart and Finding Meaning After Pregnancy Los
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Behind the Book: All the Love: Healing Your Heart and Finding Meaning After Pregnancy Loss
By Kim Hooper
In 2015, I experienced the first of what would become four pregnancy losses. That ectopic pregnancy was followed by an early miscarriage, the loss of a son in the second trimester, and another ectopic pregnancy. After each loss, two of the friends I turned to were Huong Diep, a board-certified psychologist, and Meredith Resnick, a licensed social worker. I knew they would “get it”—as friends, but also as therapists.
While grieving my losses, I wasn’t interested in impersonal self-help books telling me how to feel better. What I wanted was validation for my sometimes ugly, nowhere-near-better feelings. I wanted to hear from other women who had been through similar experiences. I wanted a therapist on my shoulder to help make sense of the onslaught of emotion every day. In the months following each loss, I felt fragile and unclear of the steps ahead. I knew the experience of my losses would forever change me; what I didn’t know is who I would become. As I struggled to come to terms with this, I wanted something I could check in with on a daily basis—not an app or a website, but something tangible, something I could hold, something that could hold me, in a way. I couldn’t find the exact book I wanted. So the next step became clear: I need to create one.
Meredith planted the first seeds that grew into this book. After my first ectopic pregnancy, she had suggested that I write about my experience. It was too soon then. I was just started on what I knew, intuitively, would be a long journey. I kept notes though, for the book that I knew would come to life someday. In 2019, we decided the time was right. We invited Huong to join us and serve as a voice for underserved, under-represented, and marginalized groups—the BIPOC and LGBTQ+ communities.
The title of the book—All the Love—is inspired by the idea that grief and love are two sides of the same coin. When each of my pregnancies began, so did a new love—for my child, for my role as a mother. When I lost the babies, the depth of pain was a reflection of that love. In the book, we wanted to focus on that love, the depth of it, what it means for who we become in the wake of profound grief.
We call the book “part memoir, part therapy session.” We want it to feel like sitting and chatting with someone who has been through a similar experience, while therapist friends listen in to help provide insights and clarity. Even though pregnancy loss is extremely (and unfortunately) common, the grieving process can be lonely. We hope this book is a companion for people during this process, providing them with a haven of validation for the range of emotions that emerge, and offering hope and love even though the future seems—and frankly is—uncertain.
We cover a wide range of topics in the book, including:
How to navigate the medical part of pregnancy loss
Reconnecting with your partner when you grieve differently
Loss and grief after fertility treatments
Considerations for LGBTQ+ couples
Returning to “normal” life and rediscovering yourself
Deciding whether to try again
Having a baby after a loss—pregnancy, birth, and everything that comes after
Racial, cultural, and socioeconomic issues
Coping with extreme sadness and emotional pain
We’ve had readers describe All the Love as “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” but for pregnancy loss. We’ve included a detailed Table of Contents so it’s easy for readers to find their way to entries that resonate with them. We continue to have more to say about pregnancy loss, so we’re active on our blog at alltheloveafterloss.com. Our mission is to support and empower people through this loss—to break the silence, reduce the shame, and offer consolation and comfort in a world that often “doesn’t get it.” We get it. We are honored to get it.
Thoughts on Writing All the Love and About Pregnancy, Loss and the Longing for Motherhood
By Meredith Resnick, LCSW
I remember my conversations with Kim about her losses very vividly, perhaps because my experience with motherhood was very different. I became a parent through adoption and our daughters (two sisters) were already a teen and tween (therefore, not babies or even close!) when we met them. I knew as a therapist how unique motherhood is to each person, something we tend to forget with all the essays and blogs and websites that seek to unite in the parenting experience (and there is nothing wrong with that). But Kim’s texts and calls reminded me—again—how very and completely individual the experience of motherhood—and coming to motherhood—is.
I think our diverse paths into parenthood allowed me the space to see her experiences as unique to her. It helped me “see” her as an individual which, I think, is maybe what resonated and supported her at a time she needed it most. I had no expectation that she feels a certain way. I was there to walk with her and witness her pain. That is not to say that the myriad other friends who experienced the same as her, or family members who love her, did not provide valuable and indispensable support. They did. But it was different. Because I had not experienced pregnancy loss it was possible for me to be completely present for her in her grief without fear of triggering my own underlying pain.
About the book. Well, it seemed natural that she would want to write about this topic—she is a writer, after all. I remember when she showed me her first pages and then asked me if I wanted to create a book together. I was caught off guard…but in a good way! This is my first book. What you see in its 400 pages is an utterly modern look at grief, and it’s personal. It’s loosely based on texts and phone calls and emails between us from over the four or five years she’d struggled with her losses.
I realized in listening to Kim and in writing the book that the longing for motherhood, however it grows, seeds way earlier than the conscious mind realizes. I think that is one of the reasons why infertility is so challenging. Your entire being is rooting for this baby on such a deep level, and perhaps even before you consciously know you want to be a mom or parent. You might not have thought you even wanted kids. But then once you decided you did and then eventually found yourself undergoing fertility treatments, it may be confusing because your “desire” seemed new.
In this way, the desire to have a baby is like a calling, something sacred and unique to the person. And when you are called toward something that is not fulfilled, it hurts in such a deep way. I think this may, in part, be why many people who struggle with infertility and the loss of a baby in the womb are some of the most resilient and open-hearted people I’ve met.
In thinking about fertility treatment and the challenges of infertility so many face, I am continually struck with how incredibly strong and powerful women and their partners are. Despite the pain and rage and disappointments. Here’s a few thoughts that came to mind as we were writing the book and what I continue to see and hear when I listen to the stories. I hope your readers can see these qualities inside themselves, too:
Even when you’ve been told the worst news you find a way to shed love on your neighbor’s kids, your nieces and nephews, cousins, and others, despite longing deeply for your own.
You talk about your loss openly and this empowers others to do that, too.
You have the capacity to listen not only because you know the pain of others but because you want to empower someone else.
Some of you work with children and you continue to provide valuable and meaningful care and service even as you miss the babies you’ve lost and the one(s) you have not met yet. Others of your work with pregnant moms, and this is poignant and difficult in a different kind of way.
You are a living, breathing, beautiful testament to the power of love and, to me, embody the beauty of what is yet to come, whatever shape it takes.
Meredith Resnick, LCSW worked in healthcare for two decades and maintains a strong interest in healing through the expressive arts. Her creative nonfiction has appeared in the Washington Post, JAMA, PsychologyToday.com, Los Angeles Times, Newsweek, Motherwell and others. All the Love: Healing Your Heart and Finding Meaning After Pregnancy Loss (2021) is her first book.
Kim Hooper is the author of five novels—People Who Knew Me (2016), Cherry Blossoms (2018), Tiny (2019), All the Acorns on the Forest Floor (2020), No Hiding in Boise (2021), and one nonfiction book: All the Love, Healing Your Heart and Finding Meaning After Pregnancy Loss (2021). She lives in Southern California with her husband, daughter, and a collection of pets.
Medical Disclaimer:
The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.