Memorials: Grief During IVF and Loss
Devastation
After our miscarriage in January 2020, my husband and I were devastated. This was our third embryo transfer with a second Gestational Surrogate, and we were confirmed pregnant right before Christmas 2019. She experienced some bleeding, so we went to six ultrasounds in four weeks. Vindictively, our Surrogate chose my birthday to confirm what she already knew – a miscarriage. Devastation came in the form of knowing we would never see/hear a heartbeat. We collectively decided to get a D&C two days later, so that my husband and I could get the fetal tissue genetically tested. Baby was the size of a small blueberry, so before we knew the gender, our nickname for baby was “Blueberry”.
Blueberry was a genetically normal boy. I wanted my husband to name him, and he picked two names that had meaning to us. We nicknamed him AJ. We wanted to receive the fetal tissue back after genetic testing, so we could bury him in the Memorial Garden that we wanted to build for him. That proved to be more difficult logistically than what we were anticipating, since human tissue is considered a biohazard and the laboratory wouldn’t release the tissue to us. And apparently in the state of Indiana, it is illegal to obtain human tissue without it being cremated/processed or you have to obtain a special license. We had to then have a local funeral home dispatch a driver to pick up the tissue an hour away, drive it back to the funeral home, and then the tissue was released to us for a fee of $250.00. That’s right. We had to pay a fee to pick up our dead son’s remains. It made the experience that much worse. But we finally had him back with us, and now the healing began.
Impromptu
For many months before the miscarriage, my husband and I were talking about eventually getting a shed for our backyard. On our way home from the D&C, we were driving Home from the hospital, and completely missed our turn onto the road that would have taken us north. We were both spacing out, but now I know it was for a reason. We came across an Amish business selling sheds at the next intersection and decided to stop by to take a look at some of them. We decided that it was the right time, to turn a negative situation into something positive, and we customized a shed to be built. I told the guy what had happened, why we were choosing the colors that we did, and he was SO kind. He held such sympathy for us, gifted us free delivery of the shed, and wished us good luck going forward. Our shed has a red roof to match the accents on the house, and the sides are the color of blueberries.
Inspiration
I got the inspiration for our Memorial Garden from an MRKH Sister who adopted a son who died 27 days after birth due to having a stroke. Her and her husband created this beautiful Memorial Garden with brick, stones, and butterflies. It had a sunshine aura and positive energy. It was a beautifully healthy way that her and her family grieved and remembered him.
Memorial Garden
My MRKH Sister gifted us a sign that said, “AJ’s Garden”. My husband put a protective coating on it and we placed it as a marker for his spot in the garden. When we buried AJ, I placed a few little toys in the ground with him, so he wouldn’t be lonely. We’ve collected rocks, both natural and painted, to place on top of his spot. My Mom gifted us a statue of a little boy wearing a fishing hat, holding a pole with a fish at the end of it. Another MRKH Sister gifted us a beautiful rock with a light green gem egg in the middle. AJ’s due date was August 24th, and his birthstone would have been Peridot, which is a lime green color. I purchased a windchime at my favorite local bird shop and placed it to the back of AJ’s grave, so the windchimes would hang over him. They don’t chime every time the wind blows. I’ve found that he’s very selective about when he says hello, but when I hear them, they make a beautiful sound and I know he’s saying, “Hi Momma”.
Our Memorial Garden includes spaces for two of our dogs who also passed away in 2020. Solar-powered butterfly lanterns hang above each one. Our Beagle’s Memorial is next to AJ’s: they would have been best buds. Our German Shepherd/Rottweiler’s Memorial is on the other side of our Beagle’s, and he keeps watch over both of them. He was a good “Big Brother”.
Memorial Wall
I created a Memorial Wall on my side of the Master Bedroom, which includes framed photos of all four of our Embryos, the relative ultrasounds, and inspirational quotations of “Hope”. Over the last almost three years, I’ve collected little trinkets that remind me of our Baby Journey – a plush pineapple with three leaves to signify our three Embryo Transfers, a figurine of a baby boy sleeping, a cutout of the word “Blueberry”, blue and green charms to signify his gender and his birth stone, a Willow Tree Remembrance Angel, a Willow Treat Hope figurine, and the bracelet that my mom gave me for Christmas 2019. The bracelet charms were items in an advent calendar, and very symbolically, the charms that I opened for the days of our Embryo Transfer and positive pregnancy test were of an angel with a yellow heart above her stomach (on either side were blue gemstones) and a blue crystal, respectively. Also on the shelf is the Ty Beanie Baby named “Hope”.
Grief
My husband and I grieved VERY differently. My grief process usually follows a pattern – anger, followed by ugly crying, followed by action. The action phase minimizes my Anxiety and lets me feel more in control of my Life. My husband tends to go silent. And he went silent. He wanted to close the doors to the Baby’s Room, so it wouldn’t be a visual reminder. He asked subtly once if I “really” wanted to have ultrasound photos on the wall. It was his way of saying that he didn’t want to look at anything that reminded him of the pain. He wanted “Business as Usual” to compartmentalize. I thought he just wanted to forget, which made me angry at the time. I didn’t understand why he just wanted to move on and not process through it like I was. I learned a lot about him during this time and realized that he was grieving in his own way.
Most people, when they go through something devastating or tragic, typically say that they don’t wish their experiences on anyone, even their enemies. I didn’t feel that at all. I made a statement to several friends, and on social media, that I wished everyone would experience infertility. My reason for saying that is because I wanted to be empathized with. I wanted to be held and supported by people who had gone through the exact same things that I did. But there aren’t many women who are born with MRKH, who had undergone three Embryo Transfers with two Gestational Surrogates, just for our one pregnancy to turn into a miscarriage. And I wasn’t the one physically going through a miscarriage. Our Surrogate’s body was going through it.
Dad’s Point of View
For this article, my husband mentioned that creating a Memorial depends on the length of experience with who you’re memorializing – longevity. We didn’t get to know AJ’s personality. We didn’t get to hear his heartbeat or hear his laugh. We didn’t get to share any of life’s experiences with him like going to the fair or staying up late and playing video games. He said it was difficult to memorialize him because of the lack of bonding experiences. My husband is practical, so his words make total sense.
The Memorial Wall has no meaning to my husband, except that it is a constant reminder of how we tried our best. To him, the Memorial outside was a completion to the story. It was a way to end the chapter on IVF (even though my tenacious personality wants to try one more cycle of IVF after I’ve lost 120 pounds…to be continued…).
Traditions
My husband started a tradition the summer after our miscarriage. He adds things to the Memorial from trips that we would have taken with AJ. He took a Ziplock bag of beach sand where we go camping every year, and we sprinkled it over AJ’s grave. That way, camping is still a part of him, and he’s a part of camping, even though he’s not here.
Would Haves
It’s been almost 26 months since his due date, August 24th, 2020. He would have been two years old. He would have been walking, talking, laughing, crying, and sleeping. He would have been trying new foods.
Change is OK
Both the Memorial Garden and Memorial Wall are continuously evolving. A few months ago, I wasn’t feeling a photo that was on the wall, so I removed it. In its place I put four professional photos that my husband and I took about six months ago, printed on metal. Those belong there and make me smile. I also removed an item off the shelf that I didn’t feel any connection to anymore. In its place, I put a metal figurine of a pineapple that I had found at my favorite antique store in Cave Spring, Georgia. That belongs there.
Final Thoughts
Everyone grieves differently after IVF is unsuccessful, after Embryo Transfer is unsuccessful, after a miscarriage, after things don’t go as planned or imagined. Whatever and however you grieve, is the right way for you. In honor of Mental Health Awareness Month, building a Memorial may just give you the release that you need to feel peace.
Sheryl was born without a uterus, a condition known as MRKH Syndrome. Her and her husband, Bobby, have gone through three cycles of IVF which yielded four frozen embryos. By teaming up with two Gestational Surrogates, they became successfully pregnant during the third Embryo Transfer, only for it to end in a miscarriage right before they would have heard a heartbeat. While waiting to be matched as an Adoptive Parent, she is a Board-Certified Applied Animal Behaviorist (CAAB) and enjoys being an advocate for positive reinforcement, training and socializing puppies, and setting up families and parents-to-be with dogs for success for life with newborns as a licensed Family Paws Parent Educator. Sheryl is super passionate about all things Mental Health and is honored to be part of the IVF Warrior.
Medical Disclaimer:
The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.
