Julie's Journey to Motherhood Through Egg Donation
As an independent, single woman in my late 20’s and early 30’s, I took my annual OBGYN appointment as an opportunity to ask my doctor if it was possible to know if I’d have a challenge conceiving. I shared that I wanted to become a mother one day and reminded my doctor that my own mother had infertility and early menopause. Each year I received a variation of the same answer “we won’t know until you start trying” or “don’t worry, lots of women have babies into their early 40s.” The answers didn’t sit well with me, but I never asked for testing. Egg freezing and at home fertility testing wasn’t a topic of discussion at that time. I had a period like clockwork every month and, aside from family history, had no other reason to believe I’d have a challenge conceiving.
Julie's Journey to Motherhood Through Egg Donation
I met my husband in my early 30’s and we were married two years later; we knew we wanted to start a family as soon as possible. A few months into trying to conceive, I pushed my OBGYN for bloodwork testing in effort to better understand my fertility. I was completely shocked to learn the results. I was diagnosed at the age of 35 with diminished ovarian reserve (DOR) and an undetectable anti-Mullerian hormone (AMH) blood level, AMH is a level thought to reflect the ovarian reserve. Additionally, my Antral Follicle Count was also very low, less than five. This was a pretty severe case of DOR and I was blown away once I understood the full extent of my diagnosis.
My doctor explained it may be difficult to conceive without reproductive assistance and recommended IUI.
We tried one IUI, meanwhile, we educated ourselves on the diagnosis and what this meant for our future. After one failed IUI, my physician recommended trying a second, but we knew time was of the essence and didn’t want to want to spend any additional time pursuing IUI. We left my OBGYNs office for a Reproductive Endocrinologist.
We began the process of IVF.
The long, expensive, isolating, powerless process of IVF. Given my diagnosis and low follicle count, my RE recommended back-to-back egg retrievals in attempt to retrieve as many eggs as possible. We went through two egg retrievals and only retrieved one egg each cycle. It was a heartbreakingly low number. The other couple of follicles that were growing each cycle were empty. My RE said he even tried to flush them and was unable to retrieve an egg. I still vividly remember waking up from anesthesia, hopeful for a good result and learning there was only one egg. Thousands of dollars spent in appointments, blood draws and medication, for one egg.
Our two total eggs did result in two embryos, which my RE said were a good quality.
As with many IVF cycles, complications occurred along the way. I had a fibroid my RE recommended removing, I visited a surgeon and he disagreed. There were a number of differing opinions but after further testing we opted not to have the fibroid removed. As time passed, we grew increasingly depleted emotionally, physically and mentally. To top it off, our insurance didn’t cover the disease of infertility and we were 100% out of pocket for everything along the way.
I felt myself isolating from others who didn’t understand what I was going through – including close friends and family. I avoided baby showers, cringed when I heard of pregnancy announcements and avoided places where there would be large numbers of children. The silver lining of my journey was finding a local support group through Resolve. The group in my area was quite large and through the group, I finally met others who knew what I was going through. It’s hard to describe the feeling of meeting complete strangers and immediately being completely open and vulnerable with them. They “got it” and together, a sisterhood formed that allowed a vulnerability and support which I will always be grateful for. During this time, I also started seeing a therapist who specialized in infertility. She was a rock and a sounding board through my journey.
I did everything I could think to try and “fix” my situation. I went to fertility acupuncture, a fertility naturopathic doctor, I took handfuls of vitamins, I ate healthy, exercised, listened to fertility meditations – like many of you reading this, I tried it all.
The first embryo transfer did not result in pregnancy.
The second embryo transfer was successful, my initial HCG was on the low end but it doubled as scheduled. I rushed out to by “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.” I even bought a little newborn baby outfit. Unfortunately, it was a very short time of happiness as the pregnancy resulted in a heartbreaking miscarriage.
It was a terribly painful loss. It was the emptiest, saddest moment of my life. To realize there was no baby and we were back to square one was unthinkable.
After time went by, my husband and I had a number of discussions about what to do next. We both very much still wanted to be parents and opted to continue down the journey of trying. Given the low quantity of eggs retrieved each cycle, we weren’t convinced we would ever be successful with my own eggs. Our goal was to have a healthy baby and after soul searching, we decided egg donation would be the next step in our journey.
Saying goodbye to something you never had is a grieving process, one with many stages and periods of acceptance. The loss of never having a genetically linked child is very difficult for people to understand unless they’ve been through it. However, as I navigated through those feelings, my husband and I felt a renewed glimmer of hope in our chance to have a family.
I am immensely grateful to women who donate their eggs in effort to help other women have a chance to become mothers. Fortunately, the gift of egg donation was the answer for us. We were successful with our first transfer and incredibly proud to now be called Mommy and Daddy!
A few years into parenthood, I reflect back and share a few perspectives for those who may be in the midst of your own infertility journey:
1. Be your own advocate - no one will advocate for you like you can for yourself, don’t settle. As a lot of questions, get a second (or third or fourth) opinion if you’re uncertain. Trust your intuition. Learn as much as you can about your diagnosis. Remember, you pay your doctors to treat you, don’t apologize for asking too many questions, calling too much or expecting excellence. You deserve it!
2. Be open to all possibilities – this means something completely different for everyone. Whether it means trying IUI or IVF, acupuncture, therapy, a second opinion, more tests, a new protocol, adoption, 3rd party reproduction, childfree – only you know what’s right for you. Try remaining open to all possibilities.
3. You don’t have to go through infertility in silence – there are others out there who get it. Find them as soon as possible. Whether it’s an in-person support group (which I highly recommend if possible), online or a combination of both. Also consider seeing a mental health therapist to help support you through the journey. Be mindful who you take mental health advice from, there are specialists trained in this field, find a professional.
4. Practice self-care – above all else, try not to lose sight of who you are and the things you can still find enjoyment in. It’s not selfish to take time out for yourself.
5. Healing is not linear – the unpredictable outcomes of the journey, the loss of control and dream of how a family will be formed. This all takes time to heal through, regardless of your outcome. It’s ok to be sad, it’s ok to cry. This pain may come in waves, ride the wave and know it will eventually wash to shore and you’ll be more prepared to handle anymore waves that come your way in the future.
-Julie
After being diagnosed with infertility and becoming a mother through the gift of egg donation, Julie found various paths to parenthood were underrepresented in children's literature. She wrote Happy Together, a collection of heartwarming books to help introduce young children to the family building concepts of IVF, egg donation, sperm donation and embryo donation. Children and parents love the heartwarming words and bright, cheerful illustrations!
Medical Disclaimer:
The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.