How to Support Someone Struggling with Infertility
Infertility affects millions of people of reproductive age worldwide. Estimates suggest that between 48 million couples and 186 million individuals live with infertility globally (WHO).
How to Support Someone Struggling with Infertility
Chances are you know someone who’s experiencing this heartbreaking medical condition right now, which is likely why you’re here. Knowing how to support someone through infertility can be nerve-racking and scary. First, know that by you even taking this time to research, is amazing, and means you’re already taking steps in the right direction.
Infertility is a disease. Just like many other major medical conditions, it’s scary, overwhelming, full of unknowns, and hard for anyone diagnosed to navigate the many emotions that come with it. It’s a medical condition that doesn’t ‘just’ affect one’s ability to conceive but comes with many daily challenges including strains on one’s mental, physical, financial, relationship, and career well-being. It’s important to be mindful of what not to say or do when supporting someone.
Things to never say to someone with infertility:
“Just” comments including:
"Just relax."
"Just adopt."
"Just try this diet."
"Just don't stress."
"Just go on vacation."
"Just put your legs up."
"Just stop trying."⠀.... the list goes on.
Basically, anything that starts with “just”, never say. There's no easy fix for infertility. I wish there was. I wish it was as simple as trying the latest trend or trying a magical diet. But there aren’t quick fix solutions. As an infertile, many "just" comments can get sent your way. "Just" try this, "just" do that. It can be beyond frustrating because if you're dealing with this diagnosis, you've likely tried everything you physically can, and are now at the point of needing some medical intervention and/or help from science. ⠀⠀
Though many comments come from an innocent place, many don't, and these comments can be very hurtful. Hearing "just..." when experiencing infertility can make a terrible diagnose and situation feel like it's being minimized.⠀⠀
Other hurtful comments can include:
"Are you doing it right"⠀
"At least...."⠀
"Maybe it's not meant to be."⠀
"Don't be so negative."⠀
"Everything happens for a reason.”⠀
"I know someone."⠀
"I wasn't even trying and got pregnant."⠀
"You can take my kids."⠀
"Enjoy your freedom now."⠀
"Must be nice to not have to worry about birth control."⠀
"It could be worst."⠀
At the end of the day, avoid trying to offer unsolicited advice, trying to fix the situation, or using toxic positivity to fix what they’re experiencing. What worked for someone you know, or what a friend of a friend experienced, is not helpful to hear. Infertility is already mentally and physically exhausting. By saying these comments, you’re making someone question their pain, trauma, diagnosis, and situation, instead of giving them the support they need.
So, the important question, how to support someone struggling with infertility:
Be There for Them: Check on them by calling, texting, or dropping by. Remember them on important days like Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, due dates that never came, etc. Reach out to them and let them know they matter and aren’t alone.
Listen: Allow them to talk on their own terms without giving advice or solutions.
Do Your Research: Read up on infertility. Educate yourself on what they’re going through. Read other stories, learn more about IVF, learn about how infertility impacts so much more than someone’s fertility health, but affects them as a whole.
Support Their Decisions: To do treatments or to not.
Know What to Say vs. What Not to Say: Reference the above comments and mentally note what’s helpful vs. hurtful.
Don't diminish their situation or pain.
Ask Them What They Need: Ask them if there's anything they need or something you can do to help and give them space if needed.⠀
Don’t exclude them from events: Invite and include them in any social events (yes, even baby showers). Give them the option and be understanding in their decision (whether they come or not), but please don’t exclude them! Infertility is isolating enough.
Thank them for opening up to you: Know that it isn’t easy sharing this with others. Also note that just because they’ve opened up to you, doesn’t mean they want this to be the basis of every conversation. Infertility is likely always on their mind. That doesn’t mean they always want to talk about it and be what defines them. They want to feel normal too.
What they need is love and support, not advice or judgement. They need to be seen and heard, not bombarded with solutions.
They need to know that what they’re feeling is valid and okay. That this is not their fault.
Know that every story is different, but every story matters. They are dealing with the loss of their dreams on so many levels. You may not understand what they’re experiencing, and quit honestly, unless you’ve walked this path, it would be impossible to truly understand, but empathy can go a long way. Support them. Be understanding, patient, and kind.
Medical Disclaimer:
The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.
