What to Expect When You're Not Expecting
When we all first began dreaming of starting our families, we probably expected it would go something like this: fall in love, get married, and float through the honeymoon phase with date nights, chocolate covered strawberries, and perhaps a few too many glasses of wine. Feeling a little tipsy maybe you and your spouse tumble into the bedroom, make love, and before you know it… two pink lines!! If you’re anything like me you probably expected to find a fun creative way to surprise your spouse with the exciting news, and then your families. Then, voila! You have a beautiful, loving happily ever after. Also, if you’re anything like me, this is not how your story goes.
What to Expect When You're Not Expecting
My husband and I knew when we got married that there was a chance, we would need some help getting pregnant. My husband had a medical history that depleted his sperm count, so once we were ready, we met with an endocrinologist to get my husband on some medication to boost his count. We thought it would be pretty straight forward -- take meds, get sperm count up, have sex, get pregnant! Alas, our expectations were so far from reality, and 2 years later we are still fighting our infertility battle.
I suspect that most people looking down the long road of fertility treatments and TTC challenges are also unsure about what to expect, so here are some pointers from my personal experience.
EXPECT A CRASH COURSE IN REPRODUCTION
As soon as you dive into the world of TTC (trying to conceive) you will suddenly learn all about men’s and women’s anatomy, physiology, and all the things that could possibly go wrong. Not only will you learn about blocked tubes, uterine shapes, and hormone cycles, but you’ll also learn a whole new slew of lingo and acronyms: TTC, IUI, IVF, ICSI, MFI, HSG, ERA, SA, PIO - the list goes on and on! If you recognize those you’ve probably been TTC for a while now! Once you start down the road of fertility treatments you will quickly become familiar with all the lingo and everything that comes with it.
DON’T EXPECT INSTANT RESULTS
It takes time to find the right clinic, and even the right doctor. Once you have chosen the right doctor for you, you might be ready to hit the ground running and have expectations of being pregnant within a few months -- I know I did. In my case, we were diagnosed with male factor infertility, and I thought IVF would be pretty straightforward and simple for us. Unfortunately, an HSG showed a partial septum in my uterus, which led to a hysteroscopy procedure to remove it. Subsequently, when we went forward with our egg retrieval, my ovaries didn’t respond well, so the retrieval was cancelled. We hit several more snags down the line with cysts, thin uterine lining, and a failed transfer. I had a misunderstanding of how IVF works and expected smooth sailing from my body. Be prepared to hit a few snags and do your best to trust the process and your doctor.
EXPECT TO BE CAUGHT OFF GUARD
Unless you’ve gone through infertility, it’s nearly impossible to know what to say (or not say) to someone who is currently going through it. When I’ve disclosed our struggle to conceive, I’ve had people jokingly offer me to take their children, tell me I should just go on vacation and have sex there, or even that I should just adopt. I flinch every time I hear these well intended suggestions because they aren’t helpful, and they don’t address the challenges I face. In addition to unsolicited advice, you may be blindsided by pregnancy announcements on social media. Your friend might even tell you that she got pregnant on accident! All of this is part of the course unfortunately. I have found that being open, honest, and frank in those moments is the best way to handle it. It is also totally okay to decline baby shower invitations. Send a gift instead, and just take care of yourself.
EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED
This may sound cliché, but everyone’s fertility journey is different and most of us encounter lots of surprises along the way. You may have to learn how to give yourself injections, learn to give your partner injections, get pregnant with 4 other people in the room, schedule sex with your spouse, or even shove different types of medication up your own vagina. You also might find yourself questioning how badly you want to start a family or if you should take a break from trying. All of these things are totally normal, and don’t be surprised if you burst into tears when it happens.
BE PREPARED FOR A NEW FERTILITY FAMILY
While everything you just read might sound scary and a little overwhelming (which is totally understandable), if you look for it, you will find yourself surrounded by an amazing community. You are not alone on this rollercoaster ride. There are so many wonderful people here to cheer you on, offer you virtual hugs and advice, and even people to commiserate with. Instagram is a great resource you can use to connect with others on their fertility journey. There are also several blogs (like this one!) and websites that offer guidance and support to all of us in the TTC community. Although this is a club that no one wants to be a part of, it’s the warmest and most encouraging club there is. Without this beautiful community, I would have lost my way so long ago. Welcome to the club.
Medical Disclaimer:
The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.
