Finding Healing Connections When Navigating Infertility
I think one of the hardest things to grapple with when it comes to infertility and/or IVF is the feeling of isolation. We all experience it at some point for different reasons. This week I finished reading The Body by Bill Bryson. Bryson is one of my favorite authors because I find that he has an incredibly unique voice and a song-like way of putting words to a page.
At one point in the book, he cites two studies for the proposition that “having good and loving relationships physically alters your DNA.” (p. 377).1 Essentially, ensuring the existence of loving and supportive relationships in one’s life may, in fact, lead to a longer life. According to Bryson, a study done in the United States showed that a lack of these types of relationships actually “doubles your risk of dying from any cause.” (p. 377).1 If this doesn’t show that humans are, at the core, social beings that crave and need connection then I don’t know what does. It’s a beautiful thought that taking those extra moments in the day to reach out to friends, family and strangers may actually be making your body happier on a cellular level. I can almost see those small parcels that make us into wholes buzzing with delight as I hug a friend or share a moment of laughter.
I think the key here is the idea of meaningful connection. In my life I know that I have a tendency to retreat when dealing with difficult moments. I could probably spend hours, maybe years, on a therapist’s couch dissecting why that is. However, because IVF is such a constant presence in one’s life it makes it difficult to be on the retreat. As retreat would inevitably lead to complete and total isolation, physically and emotionally. If I were to tend to my natural instinct to hide away until healed I would, inevitably, defy the proverbial no man is an island. In many ways IVF becomes a temporary companion in life, sort of like the Mucinex man. I picture it as a little green monster following me around from moment to moment in life, completely unpredictable and likely to expand to 10 feet tall and steal the air from my lungs at any given moment. This companionship means that I’m faced with a choice. I can either spend my days alone with IVF, in a constant mode of retreat and inversion, or I can try and force myself out and ask others to take up the burden for a moment, an hour or a day. Every day I work towards the latter. There are the inevitable days where I find myself at home, isolated by choice, digging through the pantry for that elusive piece of chocolate. But on the days when I’m able to let someone in, to voice my frustration about my little green stalker, those are the days when I feel free.
Allowing oneself to form and maintain connections during an infertility journey is a constant challenge. Wrapped in daily pain and disappointment the instinct is often to seek protection. Concern that someone won’t understand or will diminish the deep seeded anguish that you feel can often result in the metamorphosis of a previously close and bonded relationship into one of superficiality. In seeking meaningful connection throughout the IVF process, I’m constantly reminding myself to have faith in others. To trust that they will not only accept what I am going through but that they will lift me up and help remind me that my life isn’t, and shouldn’t be, solely about IVF. Through forcing myself to share my disappointment and pain and being honest about when I feel too drained to be the supportive friend that I should, I have found a closeness in my life that I haven’t had before. While I may never know whether Bryson is right that meaningful relationships lead to longer lives; I do know that meaningful and close relationships bring me peace and happiness. It is due to working to open myself up and share my darkest moments that I know no matter what my IVF journey brings I will always have love, laughter and levity to carry me through.
References
1. Bryson, Bill. The Body: A Guide for Occupants. New York, NY: Doubleday; 2019
Medical Disclaimer:
The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.
