COVID-19: Trapped in My House and in My Head
Not only am I "trapped" in my house, but I am trapped in my head. Doing my part, sitting at home is easy. I have time to read, clean, and nap as I see fit. However, with that time comes the endless stream of uninterrupted thought. And what might you ask are all one million of my daily thoughts centered around but IVF and the fact that I had been patiently waiting for April to begin so that we could start our next chapter in our journey to parenthood.
My husband and I took a break after our 3rd unsuccessful IUI in December. When we got our estimate for IVF it was clear that we would be taking a break and saving some money as well as some sanity in the interim. Myself, being impatient discussed with my husband in January and then again in February when we could feasibly begin treatment. I like having a plan and a timeline to work toward. With the company my husband works for going through a merger that should have wrapped by the end of March, we decided that so long as he still had a job we would begin in April. Though I didn't love the idea of waiting until April at that point, it gave me a small peace of mind to have a timeline. So I prayed and saved money and sent out all the positive vibes I could. And then hit the rapid outbreak of COVID-19.
My husband thankfully is able to work from home and still has a job; however, I am temporarily unemployed. I work as a dental hygienist and therefore my job is non-essential at this time. The date of my return to work has already been pushed back multiple times due to the spread of the virus. I am glad the dentists I work for saw what was happening and took proper precautions in shutting down aside from emergency appointments. But the unknown of when I will be able to work again is frightening.
So here I am unemployed, at home every day with my husband, and trapped with these thoughts in my head. Every single day I want to figure out what our new timeline to begin IVF will be but the rational part of my brain reminds me that we are facing an existential crisis and right now is not the time to discuss it. The other part though, the irrational emotional side keeps shouting over and over "when can we begin treatment, when will our family grow, when will we become parents" and everyday my heart hurts a little more.
My love goes out to those who have had to deal with cancelled cycles, clinics closing, and navigating pregnancy and childbirth during this time; I cant even imagine the pain and suffering those women and men are experiencing. But that emotional, irrational part of my brain yet again reminds me that my journey is on hold; I do not have a plan and I do not have a timeline. Since I'm out of work, I'm also out of pay which doesn't really bode well for the push to begin treatment again. Many clinics aren't even accepting patients for new treatment - which is just another unknown as to when they will again. So with all of this ensues a major setback for my journey; I know this isn't the end but it just feels so debilitating right now. Motherhood felt so close, that next step towards it was just around the corner and just as quickly as I reached the end of my season of waiting, another began. I'm not going to say it's unfair because there are so many who are suffering especially those who have contracted the virus and those who are on the front-line trying to control its spread, but it's tough! It's so tough to wait, it's tough to see others finish out treatment, and being trapped in my head is getting tougher with each passing day. I hope everyday that this virus gets under control and that we can all get back to some semblance of normal life; especially so I can release these thoughts from my head and therefore the weight off of my heart.
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