When Positive Tests Aren’t So Positive...
I know you can already picture the scene, my friend. I'm holding up the 17th pregnancy test I have taken this week. Maybe if I peer hard enough the line will disappear. (Insert record scratching sound here.) Wait, what? Did she just say disappear?
Okay, stay with me. Normally, I would be overjoyed to see that line on a cheap pregnancy test. (Anyone else take so many you had to stop buying those coveted First Response Early Response tests?) But for me, this line is just a reminder that not only have we lost our pregnancy, but we also can't move forward with anything until that line is gone. And let me tell you something about that little line, she is a stage 5 clinger.
I never thought there would be a day when a positive test would be such a negative experience. I’m not saying I didn’t think I would ever miscarry, I just assumed once I had a miscarriage, that was it. It was over. Reset the deck and we’ll start again. I couldn’t have been naiver.
2 months and 8 HCG blood draws later, my body still thinks we’re pregnant... but there is no baby growing in there… just a really high maintenance, expensive AF, empty uterus. That line is resounding reminder of the pregnancy we lost. The last remnants of the baby that will never be. Salt in the wound.
No one prepared me that one of the worst parts of a missed miscarriage is not just losing your child, but losing all control of your body, your cycle and your sense of sanity...As if we ever had any real control in the first place.
"Don't you ever get tired of taking those things?" My sweet husband said to me as I glared at the tiny, infuriating line... mocking me with her existence.
I clumsily blurted out in a tone that came out more sarcastic and blunter than I intended. “Uh, yeah. I'm tired.”
Tired of waiting for my HCG level to be negative
Tired of the pregnancy symptoms and not being pregnant
Tired of the acronyms TTC, BD, BBT, OPK, BFN, MMC, HCG
Tired of being a human pincushion
Tired of miscarrying
Tired of venting to anyone who’ll listen
Tired of hearing no when all I want is yes
Tired of sitting in life’s waiting room
So, to answer his question, absolutely, 100% yes, I'm tired. And I’m sure you are too. I would do just about anything to not have to obsess over these things. Infertility gives you soul fatigue. But I know the light at the end of this God Forsaken infertility tunnel will be brighter than the freakin' sun. So, for that, I will carry on.
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The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.
