Tips for Dealing with a Failed Fertility Treatment Cycle

Here’s the thing, grief looks different for everyone. Some people can move on quickly; others can’t get off the couch. Some people like to talk about it and others need to be alone. There is no right way to deal with grief. All I can tell you is what worked for me during my darkest moments.

Tips for Dealing with a Failed Fertility Treatment Cycle

Talk to a therapist:

This was huge for me. We went through a lot of loss, not just the miscarriage but 6 failed transfers/embryos lost. All our hard work, the emotional involvement you have with those embryos and the process takes a huge toll on you. I didn’t know why I was so depressed but when my therapist laid it all out for me like that, it made sense. Talking to her was and has been a big help in dealing with all the loss I have been through.

Talk to others:

I don’t mean right away, but for me, after my miscarriage I felt very alone. I hadn’t opened on social media yet and I didn’t know anyone who had miscarried. So, I decided to tell a few people and it turned out so many women, infertile or not, and gone through miscarriages. It didn’t make the pain go away but it made it more tolerable knowing that I wasn’t alone. And again, being able to talk about it made it feel more normal.

Cry:

Maybe it’s a given but I cried a lot. And its ok. I know some people can’t cry and that’s not their thing and that’s also ok, but there were so many times when I tried to be brave and hold it in and I just knew it wasn’t helping me. I found places to sit and cry alone, or sit on the phone with a best friend or my husband and just cry. Nothing changed but I felt better, it was a way to mourn.

Get back into a routine:

This was hard to do initially after every loss and failed cycle. But the truth is that once I got back to my exercise routine, seeing a few friends here and there or even just making dinner and having a plan for the day, I started to feel better. I felt better about myself, and I felt better about the situation. I realized that life would go on, and that was an important thing to come to terms with.

Go outside:

I know it sounds simple but it helps. Being outside, going on a walk, feeling fresh air and just moving your body helps kick in endorphins. Believe me I’m not one that falls into the motivational speaker talks or books, but this really does help.

Make a plan for the next steps:

This was and is my number one tip! For me, having a plan for what’s next, even if it was to meet the doctor and talk about a plan, was a plan that I needed. It helped me see that we can keep going, keep trying. It helped me understand that my journey wasn’t over and that there were next steps I could take. It gave me something positive to focus on. Having a plan also allowed me to see that on the calendar and tell myself “I just need to get through this many days,” which made the waiting time easier.

Plan a trip, a dinner, a day out away from IVF/infertility:

After every failed cycle, we would plan a trip. Sometimes we didn’t even take the trips, but the planning alone reminded me of how big the world is. It made me feel like I had so much to see and do aside from trying to have a baby. We did travel quite a bit, sometimes it was far and sometimes it was a weekend get away, but it allowed us to bring some happiness and normalcy back in our lives. Even if it’s a day trip, or a dinner out, it’s important to physically step away from your day-to-day self and do something that you enjoy. For us its traveling.

Be kind to yourself:

Like I said at the beginning, grief looks different for everyone. And sometimes there are still days that I feel depressed because I’ve thought about all the loss too much. Days like that will happen even when you think you’re doing better. Remembering to be kind to yourself is huge. Infertility, loss and treatments are trauma! And any kind of trauma is not easy to get around. So just know that you will have bad days even after you’ve had a great day!

Ask for help:

This was hard for me. But there were days that I just couldn’t do things. I had to ask for help, to help pick up my twins from school, to help with groceries, cook, whatever it is, ask! People are willing to help and you’d be surprised how much it helps you and them!

Talk, talk, talk:

I’m not saying it’s easy to open up and I’m also not giving you a time line as to when it’s the right time to talk. But if you can find any kind of outlet, I encourage you to do so! If it means creating a fake account on Instagram, or joining a support group do it! If it means writing in a journal or a blog (that’s how I started to open up), then do it! Or it might mean just talking to a close friend, whatever it is make sure you don’t keep it all inside, at least not forever.

-Erin Bulcao, Patient Advocate

Medical Disclaimer:

The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.