Infertility: No One Ever Told Me That Having a Family Would Be This Hard

As a child, no one ever tells you having a family is a privilege, how having children of your own is not a given, it is a gift, and sadly for some women the journey to that gift isn’t an easy one. I am one of these women whose dream of having children seems to be a million miles away. After 3 years off birth control and 2 years actively trying me and my husband knew something wasn’t right.

Queue referral to the infertility clinic, after a year of being under the clinic, multiple visits and tests they diagnose me with PCOS and prescribe me Clomid.

“Finally,” I tell myself, after 4 years trying, we are on the right track now to starting our own family. In February I started the first month of tablets and made sure to do everything you should be when trying for a baby. Tried to tell myself “Don’t get your hopes up, it won’t happen first time, it’ll probably take a few months”. Little did I know, it did work. First time. We couldn’t believe our luck! We felt so lucky, so privileged, everything we wished and prayed for was finally going to become a reality. 

2 weeks pass, and I have some bleeding, I start to worry but read online some implantation bleeding is common, so I try not to panic.

After a few days the bleeding becomes heavier, so I get in touch with the doctors who refer me to the early pregnancy assessment unit. They ask me to come in for a scan but it’s too early to see anything, but blood results come back with HCG levels consistent with early pregnancy, but the hormone levels 2 days later show my hormone levels have fallen. It’s assumed I’m having a miscarriage and to come back for follow up bloods a week later. To the surprise of the doctors my levels are now higher than at the start and after further tests and investigations they determine it’s an ectopic pregnancy. 

The devastation in those weeks to hear its likely to be a miscarriage, to then have your hormone levels increase so you hope everything is in fact okay, to then hear that unfortunately this pregnancy isn’t viable and will have to terminate is crushing. To go through all those years of infertility struggles and finally think it’s happened, to be told our dreams simply won’t be this time. The pain I feel is so heavy, the complete loneliness of the situation, having to go to all the appointments by myself because of the Coronavirus, not having my husband to lean on in these appointments is one of the hardest things I’ve had to go through. To have no family or friends to rally around you and support you given the current lockdown makes this situation even harder. As much as my husband is there for me, it’s just something he doesn’t fully understand. I think no one truly does unless you’ve been through this, to be physically reminded of it constantly, of your body’s failure to protect the baby you prayed for, you can’t switch off and can’t stop your mind from wondering what could have been.

People say everything happens for a reason, and I guess this baby just wasn’t meant to be, I pray it gets easier in time, but I’m worried all I will think is that today I should have been 12 weeks and announcing our pregnancy, today we should be finding out the gender, today should be my due date and we should be holding our longed-for baby in our arms. Sadly, all of this will never be, and despite the short period of this pregnancy, to me it was a baby not just an embryo, and I will always be grateful of that feeling and seeing that positive on the test, something I never thought we would get to see. 

When the time is right, we can try again, and pray that we are lucky enough to have a healthy pregnancy and we can have our rainbow baby.

-Rosie Allison

Medical Disclaimer:

The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.