Navigating the Fertility Journey as a Single Mom by Choice
Navigating the Fertility Journey as a Single Mom by Choice
In September of 2019, at 37, and after an intense mental tug of war, I decided to see a high-risk OB to discuss embarking on the journey of becoming a Single Mom by Choice. A Single Mother by Choice (SMC), for those that are unfamiliar, is someone who is unpartnered, and decides to become a mother knowing that at the outset they will be parenting alone.
It took a lot to make this decision, but I was about to close on my 1st home and I was in a good place in my career as a Marketing Director at a fashion accessories company. I could do this!
3 weeks later, I got laid off from my company of 12 years, a week before my closing. And then, I stayed laid off for 1 ½ years due to COVID hitting. Naturally, my fertility plans were put on hold as this was not an expense I could take on at the moment.
Fast Forward to October 2021; I had reinvented, made a total career change and was in a new job for 3 months with good health insurance. It was time to get back on my fertility path. I was now almost 39, I couldn’t wait any longer to have a child, especially given that I was planning to do this all on my own. I made the conscious decision to keep my journey to myself. I had always been a very private person and preferred to move in silence and then share things when there was actually something to share with more finality. I didn’t want to have to manage other people’s emotions and so only told my mom and best friend. When I set out on this path, I never thought I would have a problem getting pregnant. I didn’t have fertility issues (that I knew of), I just didn’t have a partner to even try with. I set out for my 1st IUI days before Christmas feeling wildly positive and by NYE I knew I was pregnant, and I was right! That beautiful pink line showed up so bright and I was overjoyed. When I told my Mom, she balled hysterically, so happy. 5 days later my world came crashing down when I got a heavier than ever period. My RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) said very matter of factually - it was a chemical pregnancy, common, and that we would try again. I was devastated. So I could get pregnant easily, “this was just a fluke,” I told myself. The next one would work. But over the next 2 months, I had 2 more IUI’s and NOTHING, they did not take at all. My positivity and vigor began to wane.
By the time March 20, 2022 rolled around for my 4th IUI, I was feeling completely defeated. I kept asking God when it was going to be my time. It seemed like EVERYONE around me was getting pregnant - friends, my best friend, people I followed on social media, everyone. I felt like a shell of myself and I was keeping most of in. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore with my mom and bestie as it would just make me cry at the mere mention of it. It was all I thought about, around the clock. I was an emotional wreck - both from the experience and all the hormones I was taking, I cried all the time, I was mentally drained and financially depleted – I had already spent about $8k on 3 IUI’s and my insurance was making me do 1 more round before I was even allowed to move to IVF.
My 4th IUI was uneventful – I didn’t have a feeling either way and tried not to spiral. On April 1, I saw that bright pink line again but because my past attempts had not worked out in my favor, I couldn’t even get excited. My hCG levels were low but we would watch them closely. The next few appts were stressful, my numbers did NOT double and I was not feeling confident. One appt would make me feel like this was NOT a viable pregnancy and the next would give me hope so my emotions were all over the place. We weren’t seeing the yolk sac in the sonogram so my RE sent me to a Radiologist who could better advise. Sadly, my pregnancy was measuring close to 2 weeks behind. I already knew it deep in my heart that something was wrong but hearing it out loud broke me. My RE told me to stay close as if it didn’t pass on its own, I would have to take Misopristol to terminate the pregnancy. Sure enough, on April 26 I was at work and noticed I started spotting. I knew that this was it, so I put a pad on and left work with my sunglasses on, crying the entire way home. By the time I got to my house, I had completely soaked through the pad, my underwear and a bit on my jeans. I updated my mom but didn’t want to talk or be around anyone, so I refused her offer for company. I was devastated and didn’t know if I could keep doing this. I set out on this journey knowing I would be doing it alone, but I did not anticipate all the hurdles and the heartache I would encounter just trying to get pregnant. At what point would I throw in the towel? I had already blown through my savings. Do I give myself a deadline? A cut-off date? How could I give up without ever being a mom? I knew not being a mom would be my biggest regret in life.
When I went back to the RE, we made plans to move forward with IVF. Because I had frozen my eggs when I was 34 yrs old, insurance said I had to use my frozen eggs to have the transfer and meds covered - even though I had frozen my eggs completely out of pocket, never going through insurance at all. I immediately opened a 0% APR credit card and decided I was prepared to go into debt to fulfill my dream of becoming a Mom, my mentality being that I would always be able to build back up financially but it was only going to get harder to have a child the older I became so I didn’t have the luxury of time.
Why was I able to get pregnant 2 out of the 4 times but it just wouldn’t stick? I decided that I would choose a different sperm donor for my FET. The next 2 ½ months were the longest of my life. It was a lot of rushing to do paperwork and scheduling and then just waiting, delays and rescheduling.
Finally on July 23, 2022, I had my Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). At this point, I was a pro at IUI, knew the routine and questions to ask. But now doing a FET for the first time, I was a novice and super nervous - I didn’t know what to expect! And yet, I went alone. I had to do this on my own. The actual transfer was pretty quick. They transferred a Grade 5AA, 5-day old embryo and I didn’t even realize when it was over. When I got in the car, Lizzo’s “About Damn Time” was on the radio. This song had been playing on the radio ad nauseum all Summer but this time, I actually turned up the volume and listened to the lyrics –
Turn up the music, turn down the lights
I got a feelin' I'm gon' be alright
Okay (okay), alright
It's about damn time (time)
It was about damn time. For the first time, I felt weirdly positive. Calm. There was a sense of ease in the pit of my stomach. I went home, made myself breakfast and laid in bed all day watching something guaranteed to make me laugh – Netflix’s Grace and Frankie.
9 days later, I knew. I typically spot 3 days before my period starts a normal flow and I had zero spotting. On Aug 1, 2 days before my appt with my RE, I took an at-home pregnancy test and it was positive. I knew better than to let myself get excited so I didn’t tell a soul. I went for my routine blood work 2 days later and went to work, patiently waiting for a phone call that I hoped would forever change my life. The call came and I held my breath as the nurse told me that my levels were great, and I was to schedule my next appt for more blood and sonogram. I was cautiously elated and waited until after my 2nd appt with my RE to even share with my mom and best friend. I went through the pregnancy not allowing myself to get too excited for fear it would be short lived. After the 1st trimester, I finally told my Dad and Stepmom, extended family and friends but it wasn’t until my 20 week anatomy scan came back clean that I allowed myself to really enjoy the 2nd half of my pregnancy.
My daughter is now 20 months and the best investment I have EVER made but the loss I experienced still hurts my heart. It was probably one of the saddest and most stressful times in my life. Never did I think my fertility journey would take 8 months and $20k with decent insurance coverage ($30k including the cost of my frozen eggs from 6 years prior). If there is anything I learned from this process, it is that I am resilient and determined to get what I want and so are most going through this journey.
Everyone’s circumstances are different but my advice to anyone on this path is to never give up on your dream. If IVF didn’t work for me, I would have moved on and tried surrogacy or used a donor egg and would have eventually moved to adoption if I had to. Whatever it would have taken to finally create the family of my dreams. The road less travelled is often a very bumpy one but somehow it tends to lead to the most beautiful rainbow.
Medical Disclaimer: The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.