Navigating Secondary Infertility: Our Journey Through IVF and Loss
Our fertility journey is a story of secondary infertility, a journey I never expected to be dealing with for as long as we have been. When my husband Hexar and I first started trying to have kids in 2019, we were ecstatic when I got pregnant with our son Griffin after the second month of trying, and we navigated being new parents, social distancing, and all the changes the pandemic brought.
Navigating Secondary Infertility: Our Journey Through IVF and Loss
Around the time our son turned one, we decided it was time to start trying again. After seven or eight months of trying, I finally got pregnant and experienced a very early miscarriage. While disappointing, I felt hopeful that we’d have success if we continued to try, and that maybe this just wasn’t the one. The next cycle, I was thrilled to be pregnant again, but miscarried again at about eight weeks. We were devastated. This miscarriage at two months pregnant felt more traumatic for me. What was I supposed to do with the tiny fetus I just passed? Cremation, burial, the garbage, or the toilet? Nothing felt right.
About 5 months later, in the summer of 2022, I was pregnant again, this time with mono-mono twins, a high-risk pregnancy that requires specialty care, frequent appointments, and sometimes bed rest. The idea of twins felt scary but exciting, and I felt like I couldn’t possibly have more bad luck, right? Unfortunately, I miscarried our twin pregnancy around 11 weeks while on vacation out of state.
After this, we started our IVF journey and were lucky to have fertility benefits through my husband’s employer. I felt so lucky and excited to start IVF, thinking we would finally be able to end our pattern of losses. While my AMH was low and I had a low follicle count, we seemed to defy all odds, and after PGT testing we ended up with four “perfect” quality embryos! I felt like this was most certainly going to be more than we actually needed. What would we do with the extra embryos?
Our first embryo transfer in May 2023 resulted in a chemical pregnancy, and my fertility team let me know this likely just wasn’t the one and that I still had a 60% chance of conceiving each transfer. Our second transfer a couple of months later resulted in a slow-rising HCG, a positive heartbeat, but slow growth, and I ultimately miscarried at 10 weeks. The genetic testing that was completed revealed this baby had no genetic abnormalities, another gut punch and more questions.
This is where an additional wrench was thrown into our fertility plan. I had been experiencing some strange GI symptoms that I could no longer ignore and was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis, which can impact fertility if there is active inflammation. After starting medication for my UC that I seemed to be responding to and lab work looked great, we decided to move forward with our third transfer. Treatment for my UC had to be the ticket to success, right? I had already been taking baby aspirin, but Lovenox injections were also included in my protocol this round. Well, this transfer ended in a negative pregnancy result, with an HCG just above zero.
At this point, my GI doctor and reproductive endocrinologist talked and agreed on a plan. My medication for UC was changed to something I would need to receive via infusions and would hopefully be more effective. I did some additional fertility testing, including the Receptiva Dx test that revealed I most likely also had Endometriosis. After getting established with a gynecologic surgeon for a laparoscopic surgery and removal of stage 1 Endometriosis, I started Lupron and Letrozole in preparation for embryo transfer number 4. I started an immune protocol, including a steroid and other medications designed to lower my natural killer cell activity. Despite high hopes that the immune protocol, new GI medication, and treatment for Endometriosis would give us success, unfortunately, it was a big, fat, negative pregnancy test.
I have some fears about sounding like a complainer here, but the “kitchen sink” protocol failed for us. We exhausted the benefits of two different fertility insurance plans, and I was not part of the 79% that was able to achieve pregnancy following treatment for Endometriosis. I followed all the advice I could find, including incorporating frequent acupuncture visits, which helped me stay relaxed and my mind healthy, but didn’t improve our outcome. I made sure I was getting good sleep and ate loads of salmon, chia seeds, and healthy foods. I felt great, but no lasting pregnancy.
While I respect the decision that other parents make to have an only child by choice, this was never a goal of mine and the idea of that feels incompatible with our life goals and brings up a lot of anxiety for me. I think about myself growing up with siblings and step-siblings and wonder what Griffin’s experience of childhood and his future without us will be like without siblings by his side. I am so thankful to have been blessed with the gift of our absolutely adorable, vibrant, and intelligent son Griffin and will forever feel grateful for having him in our lives. But I want him to have the gift of a sibling.
So many other thoughts and questions have crossed my mind throughout this process. I reminded myself that the only way out of this was through it. Every month or two, it felt like a healing wound was being reopened. Did I exercise too much or too little? Is there something else my doctors are missing? I’ve had gratitude for my employer and their flexibility with me having so many appointments I had to attend but also felt like there was no way I could manage any job changes or new employment opportunities. I worried that maybe my friends and family were getting tired of hearing the same sad updates from me and worried the only major updates I had to give were “trauma dumping” on people.
While I was going through all this in my role as a behavioral health social worker at a hospital, I met pregnant women with substance use disorders who were able to carry pregnancies to term despite their lifestyle habits. This actually helped me reflect on where I was at in my fertility journey and that this is likely not my fault and is something beyond my control.
I have so much gratitude for my family, friends, and even coworkers that have supported me through this. Being able to get things off my chest, no matter how sad or grim, has helped me immensely. I appreciate all my doctors who never gave up on me and encouraged me every step of the way, and I know they are standing by if we choose to start any additional fertility interventions. But after all my body and mind have been through the past several years, we are making the choice to switch gears and move forward with a plan to adopt. I am choosing to think of this not as giving up, but rather as a different, viable option for us. I am ready to give my body a rest while we move forward in a new way. While we are just in the initial stages of exploring adoption options, I can’t wait to meet the future little one meant for our family and embrace everything that makes he or she unique. I know this road is not easy either, but I am excited to start this new path and have renewed hope.
Married to my husband Hexar since 2017, am a mom to Griffin (almost 5), and two wild and crazy dogs. Living in Seattle and work as a social worker at a hospital.
Medical Disclaimer: The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.