Navigating Relationships While Undergoing Fertility Treatment

Navigating relationships while undergoing fertility treatment is a whole other level of overwhelm mixed into this already daunting process. When you and your partner first decide to start trying to grow your family, you are usually full of excitement. You may talk with some close friends or trusted family members about this excitement you feel. As the months tick on and fertility treatment becomes a real possibility, that excitement fades and many people feel isolated or ashamed and hide this part of their lives from others. The fact of the matter is that we are social creatures. We crave interaction, we desire understanding and we need support, especially when faced with the difficulties fertility treatment can bring.

Navigating Relationships While Undergoing Fertility Treatment

The decision to undergo fertility treatment often can be a relief as you discover answers to questions or feel like you have a plan. However, fertility treatment is not just a physical process. It is incredibly emotional and can take a toll on your mental health. It comes with ups and downs, sometimes those answers you received in the beginning of your journey fade away, and your marriage or partnership can be tested in ways you never expected. Having the right supports in place can greatly help to offset some of the stress and hardship involved in the process of fertility treatment. It can aid in counteracting feelings of isolation and help you discover healthy ways to cope with hard emotions.

However, figuring out just what that support looks like may take a little time. You may be more open with some people versus others. You may share your story with someone you trust only to find that it actually doesn’t feel good to be so open with said person. You may have a hard time saying what you truly wish you could or simply saying “no” when you need to. It is so important to take the time to truly understand what you personally need, as far as support goes, so that you can help to eliminate unwanted stressors along the way.

Here’s what to do to get started building your best support system…

First, identify if it feels comfortable sharing information about your story. If it does, think about the people you want to share with. Imagine opening up to these people. How will that feel?

Next, think about how much you are willing to share. Some people are open books and share every detail in their journey. Others want to share the basics but don’t feel comfortable elaborating. Decide what feels safe and what may feel off limits.

Third, decide how you will handle questions. The tricky part about opening ourselves up during our struggle means that our support people may ask questions. Sometimes these questions feel good, like a simple “How are you feeling?” Other times, questions can be a tad invasive. Figure out how you want to handle questions. One thing to keep in mind, when you share with others in your circle, there is nothing wrong with putting a boundary on how you do that. You may want to tell your trusted crew, “Hey, I really appreciate you listening but if I want to share more, please know I will come to you.” This gives your support people a heads up that you want to lean on them when it feels good, but that might not be always.

Next, learn to say no. Often, those in your support circle will want to help in some way. And sometimes, what they offer may not feel good. It is okay, and sometimes even necessary, to say no when you need to. This not only helps you feel as safe and secure as possible, but it also helps to educate those important to you as to what you may truly need.

And lastly, always be honest. If you start sharing your journey and realize it actually doesn’t feel as good as you imagined, it’s okay to change your mind. If you have one particular friend who is great at listening but later also adds an unwanted comment, it’s okay to tell her how this makes you feel. And be honest with yourself. Are you doing enough for yourself? Do you need more? Do you need less?

Two more very important things to keep in mind when establishing your personal support plan are social boundaries and communication.

Our calendars are generally filled with social events on a pretty consistent basis. These can include holidays, birthday celebrations and other special gatherings. When thinking about the support you need to give yourself during your infertility journey, you need to think about these events. Will they be triggering? Will you be the subject of unwanted questions and difficult conversations? Will you have to see other family members that recently welcomed babies of their own? It is important to know your limits when these events come up. It is okay to say no. And it is important to remind yourself that setting these necessary boundaries is temporary. And linked so closely is the idea of communication. How do you convey your need to say no to certain events when your family and friends are counting on you to be there? As mentioned above, first you must decide how open you want to be in your communication. Then, lean into that decision.

If you choose to disclose your struggles with infertility, help explain to your loved ones a bit about what this journey has been like for you. Share with them that although you love them, you need to put yourself first and try to find a different way to celebrate that feels more comfortable for you. Most of the time, your family and friends will understand and be respectful. And if they don’t…well then it might be time to reevaluate that relationship.

I also want to take a note to share that communication can also be tricky when we are faced with questions or comments from those that we have chosen not to share our struggles with. For example, perhaps a nosey coworker likes to ask “So, when are going to pop one out?” (Don’t even get me started on my hatred for this question.) In times like this, you may want to think of a response that feels safe without giving too much away. Such as, “Well, we are learning that the process isn’t quite as easy as we thought.” There are ways to stay true to yourself and your story without letting the whole world in. And sometimes, speaking up a bit more than you typically would ward off future unwanted comments.

No matter how you choose to start building your support, remember that it should be unique to you and your partner. It should honor your story. And most importantly, it should always feel good.

Cristina is a licensed therapist with a mission to bring more awareness, education and support to topics like infertility, the journey to motherhood and beyond. With over a decade of experience in the mental health field, she has developed a wealth of knowledge around ways to help cope with emotions, tackle fears and barriers and live a more present, healthy life. Through her own experiences and struggles in trying to grow my family, she has found a personal connection to the world of infertility and new motherhood. Cristina is passionate about helping women overcome the mental health challenges that this struggle can often present. And most importantly, her goal is to help normalize and validate the emotional hardships that can occur along the way.

Medical Disclaimer:

The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.