Mental Health and Infertility: Coping and Adapting

Babies are all around us. From the time we start collecting toys to play with there has always been a baby doll to put on the gift list. It is so ingrained in our society and how we are raised that when the time is right to have a real baby, you think you are both prepared and understand how to process the impending arrival mentally and physically.

We talk to friends about how they conceived, what changed in their lives and we get excited. It’s happening. We are finally about to close the circle from our time as a child with a doll to an adult with a human. But what if it’s not happening?

Mental Health and Infertility

How we cope, How we adapt - An introduction

One of the most uncomfortable topics is “trying” to have a baby. You are basically telling the world what goes on in your bedroom. Not everything - but enough for friends and family to start imagining ovulation apps and temperature taking and scheduled sex. It’s awkward at best, and then the questions start rolling in as you don’t end up with those 2 lines on a pregnancy test - again. Now your family and friends are asking what’s wrong. They offer advice for how to have better luck with conception. You take it, digest, and the guilt starts piling up.

I have always felt guilty when it comes to this, maybe it’s because I’m a recovering Catholic and religion likes to both force implied guilt and also the family pressure on you at the same time. It doesn’t matter why it’s not happening, whatever is wrong must be my fault. You know what doesn’t help you conceive? Stress. Self blame. Self hate. So now we’re in a circle, we’ve added mental health to the picture and our mind is poisoning our body from the inside out. This is just a bonus to any physical reasons why you’re still waiting on those two lines.

There are a lot of states that cover fertility in their medical insurance plans, but there are many that do not. Add financial burden into the picture, now you’re pulling your hair out because of the stress. We find things to blame outside our control. We may keep trying on our own or we may seek out resources in our community to test us and see what could be the hold up. Many times we don’t actually get answers and that makes it all even more difficult to cope with.

My journey started with not being able to conceive, and then starting with a fertility clinic. I blamed myself for everything that wasn’t working. I took the shots, I did the bloodwork and the ultrasounds and I thought I was making my best effort, but my brain told me it didn’t matter because I wasn’t doing enough. I have wanted to be a mom since I can remember, any job I’ve done has been something that could be flexible with parenting. I have literally been preparing for this my whole life and then it doesn’t work? Why am I not good enough to be a parent - those thoughts jump in and overwhelm everything. Not to mention the hormones you’re taking that only amplify all feelings of being unworthy.

After rounds of IUI, we sat down with the doctor to go over the IVF options. The prep and procedures are extensive and we knew we were on the last cycle of IUI before we changed gears to the next steps. It was almost a relief, to know that we had tried so many things that just didn’t work and that clearly now we could say medical intervention was needed. And it took some stress off, as with IUI cycles you need to still have timed out sex around the procedure to give it the best chance of working. We had to make sacrifices for work, life, holidays and vacation to get the timing just right. How unsexy is it to tap your spouse on the shoulder and say “C’mon, we have to get this done in the next 20 minutes”? It’s awful. It puts a strain on everything but you adapt, you have come this far how much worse could having awkward sex make it?

For me, it was unbearable and it only added to my mental health challenges. Too many what ifs, too much left to chance. I coped poorly, at best, and my spouse has used that as a not unrealistic reason to stop at one child. I was also older, so getting to see “advanced maternal age” and “geriatric pregnancy” did not help my brain one bit. To the fertility industry - can we stop that? It’s a disaster on your mental health, you’ve already faced so many challenges and now we get to the labeling. Unreal. I don’t blame my spouse for not wanting to go through that again, because with the hormones and the whole process you are so unaware of how you’re like that you don’t realize the damage you’re doing to your own brain and to your relationship for something that is supposed to strengthen both.

Coping was unattainable at that point. Everything was a mess. I felt like I was out of touch and out of control. My spouse had taken a prescription that read could be contraindicative of conception, and the night before my first IUI we weren’t sure if we had to pull the plug on this cycle. I screamed, I cried, I yelled “Why are you doing this to me?!” As if it was his fault none of this was going to plan. As if I was the only one struggling. But I couldn’t see past the simple fact that I was not a mom. All I ever wanted could not happen. I couldn’t make it happen. And any opposition or struggle we faced I felt it as an attack on me, never considering it was something more than one of us was going through. That’s the face of mental health in infertility. It’s blind and full of rage and hurt. Round after round failed and I got deeper into my depression, another thing that doesn’t help you conceive. By this time, at my age my mom had 3 kids and I had been about to hit double digits. It worked for my mom, why was I still not pregnant?

The final IUI cycle took. We already had done the training and prep for IVF, so this seemed like one of those “in the meantime” we’ll just try this before we have to give it up, a means to an end and onto the next step to get it covered by insurance. Let me just say too, I’m lucky to live where I live because so many are struggling and nothing is covered. It’s HEALTH. It should be covered. So I went in for the blood and the ultrasounds before we started that last round and the ultrasound tech looked at me and told me that usually that time was the charm, she had a good feeling about it. I wanted to believe her, but I had adapted to not think about it working and not to count on it working so I just let that flow through my mind and didn’t let it stick. I couldn’t give any more hope to myself that this would work, because inside it was killing me.

Mentally I could not take it anymore.

The final cycle, I got someone to cover a job I had that day so I didn’t have to rush off when it was done and work. I remember thinking I just had to be calmer, and this wasn’t going to work anyways so I just had to get it done before we could get to the heavier duty treatments and have a real shot at a baby. My spouse went out somewhere, I don’t remember where. I do remember spending the afternoon curled up on the couch with hot cocoa and a fire going and just trying to find some peace in that moment, because after we failed this cycle we could move on and finally get to the more intensive attempts. I had finally adapted to a mindset of calm.

Two weeks after the procedure I went in for the bloodwork as usual and it popped up in my portal with an elevated HCG level. I honestly was shocked. The holidays were days away, we were staying home so we could be ready for the IVF cycle next. I called my spouse at work and to say I thought we were pregnant but was waiting on the clinic to call and confirm what I had seen in my healthcare portal. And from then on that’s how we adapted to lower the stress around us to get through the pregnancy in a better, healthier way.

Now I didn’t do great on the mental health aspect of pregnancy, it was all too tenuous and scary for me to relax at all. I felt at any moment this could be taken away from me and I would no longer be on the road to becoming a mom. So I may have adapted but poorly so. I never let that stress go. I had many complications which brought up more anxieties and mental anguish. 9 months felt like a lifetime. But in the end I did have a baby, a healthy baby, and we (because there was a pandemic) have been inseparable ever since.

If I did it again I would make sure to take better care of my mental health because it was the missing piece to us conceiving. Or at least I tell myself that I’ll try. More on why I’m in a ridiculous state of mental health later. The journey is ongoing. But for now I have my wild and free toddler and I couldn’t have made it to her being born without trying to take care of my mental health in addition to physical. I’m lucky I had an understanding spouse. I’m lucky I made it through in one piece. And I’m lucky that my constant anxieties didn’t prevent me from having the child of which I so desperately was in need. To be continued…

-Jacki is the founder of Revolution Recover, a nonprofit based in creating safe spaces and removing stigma allowing for a world where people can have these conversations without fear. She is a journeyman in mental health, fertility struggles and sports related trauma. Mom to a spirited threenager, Yvaine, and hoping to leave the world a better place for the next generation.

Medical Disclaimer:

The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.