Maegan's Story: No One Warns You About the Loss
My husband and I met in high school, married after being together for 10 years, and have now been together for 16 years. We had a plan of how we wanted our life to happen and how it would look. We wanted to get married, buy a house, have a baby. In that order. We bought our first home, which was a fixer upper, A project we knew getting into would take a few years to complete. So, our next step was to get the house to a certain point before trying for children.
Well at the end of 2017, just before we were "ready" to start trying, I went to the hospital for the worst pain I have ever experienced. Thinking it is my appendix, turns out the doctors find nothing. Just a small amount of free fluid near my right ovary but no diagnoses. Now comes the time to start trying and I am too worried that something is wrong with me, so I schedule to go to my gyno (which is also a fertility clinic). My doctor suggests I run all of these fertility tests, which insurance doesn't cover. And ultimately, we didn't feel we needed to run fertility tests, we just wanted an answer to what was causing me this pain. So needless to say, we did not run those tests. Six months after going to the hospital and many periods of excruciating pain, I finally have my doctor order an ultrasound to figure out what is happening.
Well in six months, halfway through 2018, I went from having nothing for the ER doctors to diagnose me with, I now have giant endometriomas on each ovary. Stage four endometriosis. Those six months, of course we were not trying to have a child, we just wanted to figure out what was going on. I regret that so often. So, for about 3 months we try naturally to conceive with no luck. My insurance, in the meantime, had changed and the tests my fertility clinic wanted to run earlier in the year are now covered!!
We run all the tests needed, and of course, on paper, we both are perfect. The horrible endometriomas seemingly are the only thing standing in our way, literally. At the beginning of 2019, my doctor suggests we try naturally for 6-8 months, but given the growth rate of my endometriosis, she didn't want us to wait too long for the worry it might destroy my ovaries and egg reserve.
9 long months of trying, a roller coaster of emotions every damn month, making sex a chore and definitely not fun, we had nothing to show for it.
We were now at the point that we had to do something. It was the most paralyzing feeling. I dragged my feet to begin the process because one, it's expensive as all hell (mind you we are also renovating a home and all of our savings is going towards those costs) and two, we had the hope that if we just kept trying, it could happen. But in the end, we knew we had to do something, or we potentially wouldn't even have the option.
We sign the paperwork, pay the money, go to the classes all to retrieve 18 eggs, 14 mature, 12 fertilize, 4 make it to blastocyst, and 3 passed PGT!!! That was the scariest moment to hear we had lost so many! They don't warn you about the loss, we just knew we were doing the right thing, growing them out and doing genetic testing, in order to have the healthiest baby and best chance possible.
Finally, December 2019 rolls around, the original plan after the egg retrieval was to do a laparoscopy to remove the endometriomas. But now instead, the doctor wants to reduce the size and hopefully eliminate any small cysts by putting me on Lupron for 3 months! In the meantime, my work, very last minute, offers me a trip to South Africa to assist with penguin rehabilitation (I'm a penguin keeper, so not that weird! Lol). I take my husband with me, and we get a little break from reality for two and a half weeks! It definitely helped to take our minds off of everything and was extremely rewarding.
The day after we return, I start my chemically induced menopause!! What a joy. It wasn't horrible at first. A constant headache and a few night sweats here and there. But then the hot flashes came on. Eventually they were hourly and felt like a panic attack was coming on every single time! I couldn't fathom what it is like for women going through this for years. I was ready for it to be done!
Then here comes Covid-19...
As everything closes down, my clinic is frantically trying to find a drug I can get that my insurance will cover that will keep me in menopause in order to keep the Endo. at bay.
To my delight (only to get out of menopause not to unravel everything the drugs had done for my endometriosis), no drug was reasonable for me to get. But thankfully I was out of menopause by the time masks became mandatory, yikes!
However, going back on birth control, and my hormones "normalizing" again, I could feel the endometriomas again :(
Now May 2020, everything is opening back up again, we got into the clinic as soon as we could as we were eager to do our first FET and without the Endo reversing too much to cause any issues.
Our date is June 11, my husband and I are anxious and excited and very hopeful. We put up the picture of our embryo on the fridge. We got giddy every time we looked at the picture. We have healthy embryos; how can it not stick.
10 days later, it did not stick.
Between the rapid change in hormones over such a short period of time, the fact that we just lost one of our embryos, and that the world is in shambles, I was the most depressed I have ever been in my life.
Nothing was normal, we could barely see friends and family, I couldn't motivate myself to do much and cried several times throughout the day. Meanwhile, everyone on social media is having babies and getting pregnant. Eye roll.
We virtually met with our fertility doctor afterwards to discuss our plans going forward. She wanted to run a few more tests, change and add a few medications for the next transfer, remain on birth control for 6-8 weeks before starting again, and suggested I go dairy and gluten free to help manage the Endo.
So, I went a little further and began a Paleo diet that I have been on a little over 2 months. I feel better and my skin is healthier. We just started our injections for our second FET that is planned for the 25th of this month!
I am excited for the day to come, nervous for it, realistic, but SO ready to have my life fulfilled in a way we have been ready for almost 3 years!
Fingers and toes and anything else crossed for a positive result!
Medical Disclaimer:
The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.