Infertility Trauma: What It Is and How to Cope
In the most basic sense of the word, trauma is defined as a deeply distressing experience. The psychological impact of infertility can include not only anxiety and depression, but loss, grief, isolation, difficulty concentrating and loss of self. Each individual’s fertility journey is unique. Therefore, each individual will be impacted in differing ways. When you look at these very basic statements, it seems fairly obvious that infertility should be categorized as a trauma, so why is it that many people do not regard it as such?
Infertility Trauma: What It Is and How to Cope
Well, one could say that infertility itself is not life threatening. But what about the women who undergo countless hormonal therapies and take numerous medications without truly knowing the long-term effects these drugs will have on their bodies? What about the women who experience miscarriage and need surgery to help clear their bodies of what could become harmful to them? How about the women who experience ectopic, molar or tubal pregnancies that threaten to destroy their reproductive organs? And these are only just a handful of possible scary outcomes.
Infertility and the treatment involved to treat it, is a world of unknowns with no guarantees. Countless women and men walk this path, willingly undergoing treatment at the hands of their skilled doctors, in the hopes of making their dreams of a family a reality. They juggle the logistics of scheduling numerous doctors’ appointments while maintaining their professional status at work. They put on a brave, “everything is fine” face when receiving news of others’ pregnancies or attending baby showers. They rearrange plans and say no to events because their calendars are loaded with timed medications. And behind closed doors, they often fall apart, in a stream of tears, in a cloud of haze, blocking out the world.
Infertility, the diagnosis, and the path afterward, is devastating. Defining infertility as a trauma can be helpful for two main reasons. One, it allows us to understand that this journey is profound, it is difficult, and it is in fact life changing. And two, when we know we will be undergoing something traumatic, we can arm ourselves with the tools to push through.
So, what might those tools be?
Number 1: Acknowledge and Validate Your Feelings.
It may seem obvious, but this step can often be one that is breezed over during the struggle of infertility. In an effort to protect ourselves, we shove our deep, dark feelings under the rug and promise ourselves not to look beneath said rug. We can also have a tendency to keep things close to our chest and therefore, not have many opportunities to truly and freely express our deepest thoughts. This first step is so important in processing our struggle. Being honest with ourselves in the way we feel and the fears we have is so important to managing how mentally healthy we remain through the journey. And I want to make sure to emphasize that this is a two-part step, with the second step being so incredibly valuable. Validating that our feelings are real, they are true and they understandable is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves along the way. Here is the key though, once you acknowledge and validate those thoughts, it is important to let them go. Staying in a negative, scary headspace for too long can take a tool on our mental sanity. What you want to do is give yourself permission to think what you think and feel what you feel, then bring yourself back into the present moment and engage in a self-care activity or distract yourself with something enjoyable.
Number 2: Tread Lightly with Triggers.
Triggers. We have all heard this word many times but what does it really mean? In the world of infertility, triggers refer to any of those pesky things (i.e., people, situations, statements…) that bring the emotions of your trauma bubbling to the surface. When you receive that baby shower invite in the mail-trigger. When you scroll through social media and see a post from someone you graduated high school with, and have not talked to in 6 years, sharing news of her pregnancy-trigger. When your husband’s cousin’s wife advises you to “drink a few beers and just relax” to help you get pregnant trigger. The reality is triggers are constantly all around us. Yes, we can do our best to manage our exposure to them, i.e., you can stay away from your husband’s cousin’s wife at all family gatherings. But what will serve us better is managing our reaction to triggers when they occur. First and foremost, give yourself grace. There are certain triggers you just can’t anticipate and when they happen, they can be a real punch in the gut. If you become emotional, if you become enraged, if you go on an educational bender advising someone about what to say and not say in such circumstances, well then so be it. Then gather yourself up, take a deep breath and do what you need to in that moment. Sometimes this means leaving an event or situation, sometimes it means taking a bathroom break and sometimes it means speaking your truth then finding the comfort of your support system.
Number 3. Stay Grounded.
As we therapists like to remind our clients, anxiety only rears its ugly head when we are perseverating over something in our past or worrying about the outcome of something in our future. It is very difficult for anxiety to fester if we can keep ourselves focused and grounded in the here and now. So, find yourself a mantra or affirmation that you can repeat to break a thought cycle getting stuck in your head. Fall back on the evidence you do have versus creating stories which have no footing at this particular point in time. And work to include moments of gratitude throughout your day to help balance out the worry when it comes.
Number 4: Set Boundaries.
Healthy boundaries are one of the smartest tools we can have for ourselves when working through infertility trauma. Remember a few minutes ago when I mentioned triggers? I would bet a good deal of money you have a few people you would place in the category of triggers. Trust me, we all do. If you need to pull back from certain friendships, mute certain accounts on social media or even limit your time on social media in general those are all perfectly okay things to do. Another great option to try is to set a boundary for baby free talk time between yourself and your spouse. When undergoing infertility, conversations can be saturated with baby talk, clinic talk…you know the drill. Try to create some space to just be a couple when you can.
Number 5: Seek Support.
If these tools are not helping, or not helping quite as much as you would like, it may be time to dig a little deeper and build up the sources of support you have in your corner. Support can come from close family members, trusted friends, online communities, local support groups or professionals in the field. Do your research, find credible sources and give yourself an outlet. Yes, infertility is difficult. Yes, infertility is traumatic. But as one of my very favorite quotes says, “You may have been given a cactus, but you don’t have to sit on it.”
Cristina is a licensed therapist with a mission to bring more awareness, education and support to topics like infertility, the journey to motherhood and beyond. With over a decade of experience in the mental health field, she has developed a wealth of knowledge around ways to help cope with emotions, tackle fears and barriers and live a more present, healthy life. Through her own experiences and struggles in trying to grow my family, she has found a personal connection to the world of infertility and new motherhood. Cristina is passionate about helping women overcome the mental health challenges that this struggle can often present. And most importantly, her goal is to help normalize and validate the emotional hardships that can occur along the way.
Medical Disclaimer:
The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.
