Infertility Sucks: The Reality of Our Infertility Journey
Infertility Sucks: The Reality of Our Infertility Journey
MRKH
7 Years
3 Cycles of IVF
3 Embryp Transfers
2 Gestational Surrogates
1 Miscarriage
Low Sperm Quality
Sperm DNA Fragmentation
Adoption Home Study
Home Study Renewals for 3 Years
Adoption Program Fee
Attorney Fees
No babies
Financial Cost: Over $150,000
Emotional Cost: Drained and Hopeless
Yes, There are Positives to Infertility, Too
MRKH has allowed me to meet the most amazing women and make friends with those who I never would have otherwise crossed paths with.
Our miscarriage taught me that my husband grieves just as much as I do, and in completely different ways. I appreciated that Life Lesson, because it taught me how to be a better Wife.
Without the responsibilities of taking care of children, I have been able to earn my Master’s degree and Ph.D. I have been able to pursue my Animal Behavior career and earn my CAAB. I have been able to pursue my career in Quality Assurance and Project Management and earn both RQAP certifications (GLP and GCP).
I was able to celebrate my 40th in style: Australia, Kangaroos, Koalas, Florida, Manatees, 3 VIP Darren Hayes concerts.
My husband and I can sleep in on the weekends, spend quality time with our cat, and leave for a weekend getaway with no notice.
Infertility has taught us to be Empathetic towards ourselves, each other, and others. It has allowed us to be the best Auntie and Uncle to the dozens of children in our lives.
Throughout our Infertility struggles, we have been blessed with amazing opportunities and people in our lives. We don’t take anything for granted.
Gestational Surrogacy: The Truth About Gestational Surrogates
We were very lucky to have found our first Gestational Surrogate via social media. She lived 5 minutes from us at the time. She was sassy, sarcastic, independent, headstrong, and had a genuine interest and passion to go through this roller coaster ride with us. Although our Embryo Transfer with her was unsuccessful, she taught us a lot. She advocated for us just as much as we advocated for her.
Our second Gestational Surrogate was a former friend who offered to carry for us. Our second Embryo Transfer (first with her) was kind of a blur…another unsuccessful attempt. I withdrew for some time to grieve. It made the friendship awkward.
The state of Indiana is one of only two states in this country where Surrogacy contracts are not legally enforceable, except for determining who the legal parents are (which covers about 2 out of 36 pages). Even though the Gestational Surrogate and Intended Parents legally agree to follow the contract, no one “technically” has to. This is important as it leads into our third Embryo Transfer.
She had started a new job about a month and a half before Embryo Transfer, which changed her health insurance coverage. She never communicated that to us, which was in direct violation of the contract. She chose a high deductible plan, so that if we became pregnant, Bobby and I would be paying the entire deductible. She was planning on getting expensive surgical procedures taken care of for her oldest daughter and her husband after the birth, which would have been very little out-of-pocket expenses on her end.
We were confirmed pregnant about a week before Christmas 2019. We were cautiously elated. Christmas Day, Bobby and I had a day to ourselves. Our Gestational Surrogate texted and asked us if we could watch her youngest, because she always took her husband out on Christmas to the movie theater. I thought about it, as it would have been nice to be with our baby on Christmas, but after some thought, it was motivated by manipulation. If it was discussed ahead of time, we might have helped her out. But it had a very “they are desperate and therefore will do anything in return” flavor to it. We decided to stay Home and continue having a relaxing day, just us.
She was in the ER several times over the next 3 weeks due to bleeding. She chose my birthday for us to get one final ultrasound to confirm it was a miscarriage. The D&C two days later was a day full of hatred. She told us to stay Home, but then grew hateful that we weren’t there.
The months after that were no different. She went on all of the Indiana Surrogacy social media support groups (which we had in our contract for her to not be a part of, since they were an Intended Parent hating group), and slashed/badmouthed us to everyone. I was getting daily messages from strangers telling me what an awful person I was. Messages that reached friends of friends. And our supposed friends were also in the defamation game.
A year later, I received a card in the mail from someone “anonymous.” It said that I was “alone”, and that she was coerced/forced/manipulated into being our Gestational Surrogate. I never gave her the gratitude of reading the rest of it.
I hear of incredible stories of Gestational Surrogates helping families. We experienced Pure Evil, and it’s important for others to understand and hear our story.
The Truth About Adoption
We were a part of the Adoption Support Center in Indianapolis, in the summer/fall of 2020. The day before our Home Study, I sent them a long, detailed email asking questions about the process, what their expectations were of us, what our expectations were of them, and that email ultimately led to us getting kicked out of the program.
It put a bad taste in our mouths regarding Adoption Agencies, so we decided to enroll in Kirsh & Kirsh’s Adoption Program and have an Adoption Attorney help guide us. We have moved from #43 to #11 on their Active Families list in 2.5 years. We probably have at least another year of waiting.
Our Home Study was done by a local Adoption Agency in Lafayette: Gifts of Grace. We decided that being enrolled in two programs would help our chances, so we have been a part of Gifts of Grace Adoption Program for 2.5 years. We probably have at least another year of waiting.
Every year, in order to be Adoptive-Family Eligible, we need to prove that:
- all of our medications are behind a locked door
- all of our alcohol is up, off the floor and in the basement
- all of our outlets have outlet covers
- we pay taxes every year
- all of our assets outweigh our debts
- our background checks are clean
- our fingerprints haven’t been changed
- Katy’s veterinary records and vaccinations are current
- we have watched a movie every year about Adoption, or have gone through training, or have read a book
- we can pay up to $4,000 in fees for the birth mom (e.g., cell phone bills, rent)
Indiana is a pretty progressive state regarding laws in favor of Adoptive Families. The birth mom has 24-48 hours to decide to parent (“change her mind”) but after the papers are signed, it’s pretty much a done deal.
Total cost so far for Adoption: $12,000
We were accepted for a $10,000 grant towards the cost of Adoption, and that offer expires July of this year. I have asked for an extension.
Sheryl Walker, Ph.D., CAAB
Sheryl was born without a uterus, a condition known as MRKH Syndrome. Her and her husband, Bobby, have gone through three cycles of IVF which yielded four frozen embryos. By teaming up with two Gestational Surrogates, they became successfully pregnant during the third Embryo Transfer, only for it to end in a miscarriage right before they would have heard a heartbeat. While waiting to be matched as an Adoptive Parent, she is a Board-Certified Applied Animal Behaviorist (CAAB) and enjoys being an advocate for positive reinforcement, training and socializing puppies, and setting up families and parents-to-be with dogs for success for life with newborns as a licensed Family Paws Parent Educator. Sheryl is super passionate about all things Mental Health and is honored to be part of the IVF Warrior.
Medical Disclaimer:
The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.