Haley's Story: Undefeated and Stronger Than Ever Before
IVF Round I — Mother’s Day May 2019.
The day we found out our first embryo transfer was unsuccessful.
Father’s Day June 2019; our second attempt and our remaining embryo transfer proven unsuccessful.
The irony in both of those days cannot be ignored. Both days were supposed to represent hope and embracing a new phase of this journey; I was supposed to be pregnant - yet each time I failed myself. Instead, I learned how-to walk-through fire, how to smile while I held back tears, how to go on because putting one foot in front of the other was the only option I had. I was faced with a storm that I had become familiar with and another chance to walk in the rain; IVF-Round-II. This time, my fears of the unknown had melted away. I knew everything that lied ahead; the rigorous schedule of needles every morning & night, the fistful of supplements to swallow, the slow build of side effects from a cocktail of hormones in my body, the emotional rollercoaster of highs and lows, the anxiety and lapsing of time that became crippling, the bouts of depression that would sneak up on me and knock me out for days. I had no choice but to face it all over again, so I swallowed hard, closed my eyes, and took a deep breath.
My next battle proved to be the one that brought me my highest high and my lowest low; our third and fourth embryo transfers both ended in early miscarriages. With this devastating news, there was an ounce of relief. While that may seem hard to believe - at this point I had put my body through the unthinkable for 12 months. I had given every ounce of my being towards fighting for something greater than me. After a few months of some time away from it all to plan our next steps towards parenthood - I stepped into IVF-Round-III; this time to make more embryos for a surrogate to carry our pregnancy. It came with no expectation or hope - it was simply a means to an end and for the first time I was completely dissociated from the experience. I knew I was about to close one chapter of struggle and invest my hope into someone else carrying my pregnancy.
Shortly after IVF-Round-III, I began an incredible journey of self-awareness, self-exploration, self-love and a time to motivate myself towards a different me. It was a complicated journey - but one that proved to be worth every ounce of my determination and courage. I kept proving the unthinkable to myself; and this time was no different. April 2020 - 2 months into COVID-19 isolation. The week I turned 30. The same week that honors national infertility awareness; all the reminders of my past stung so badly it burned through me to my core. And then came my miracle. After 2 fertility clinics, countless amounts of needles morning and night, multiple failed IVF cycles and embryo transfers, hours of surrogate agency applications and an indefinite number of tears - I became pregnant naturally.
This photo: it represents something that may look familiar to the average person; yet still represents something so raw for me.
While you may think this photo represents a celebration of me becoming pregnant - it actually symbolizes everything in between for me. I actually learnt how to celebrate myself among days of heartache and hurt. I learnt how to search for blessings on days filled with hopelessness. I learnt how to heal from deeply within, to a point where pain became so comfortably numb. So today, I share this because I celebrate my journey every single minute of every day - the battle we fought for this little love means every day is Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. The love we have for this child was found long before we found out we were pregnant, and it is a love that we will hold close to our hearts forever. A love that has no limits and no boundaries.
I write this not to gain sympathy, but rather I am in a place where I feel humbled by our journey to parenthood. It also feels somewhat therapeutic to let go of this chapter. Instead of resent, I choose to acknowledge my infertility and all that I have learned along the way. I chose to honor some extremely special people around me because without them I wouldn’t have come this far. I built a fortress of support for myself, and I can only hope someone gets an ounce of inspiration from my story to embrace their unique journey to parenthood. So, for anyone whose heart is aching, whose soul feels empty, and whose fighting an uphill battle to have a family of their own, my arms reach out to you, and I mean it when I say.... I feel you so deeply. We all hold onto inspiration; this quote happened to be mine. “One day you will tell your story of how you’ve overcome what you’re going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide”.
My husband, this ride has been nothing short of wild. You have watched me fall apart and you’ve helped build me back up. I celebrate both of us every day for our triumph and strength, because together we got through it all. I am humbled by our journey; we have grown beyond our years through this pain and hardship. I am so proud of who WE have become. Together, we are truly unstoppable - our marriage and commitment to one another and this little life is unbreakable. My world spins because of you. You are my absolute greatest gift. You will always be my forever. I love you endlessly.
My friends & family; the ones who offered silence when there was nothing to say. The ones who spoke words of comfort and gave hugs when I was crumbling apart. The ones who offered a place to escape to when I wanted to run away and shared in my joy when I had small reasons to celebrate. The ones who never, ever, really let me fall. When you are hit with a battle of heartache, the unconditional love of true friendship shines through some really dark clouds. I count my blessings in my friendships - the ones who have been there since the beginning and the ones who I’ve found along the way.
My infertility tribe, my secret society of girl power. There is something so raw and vulnerable about sharing your deepest fears and emotions of this infertility journey with complete strangers across the world. The intimacy of this subject brings you closest with people whose paths would’ve never crossed. This community of women showed incredible strength and empowered me to keep on fighting; because they were the ones who often reminded me what I was fighting for.
I am a better me today than I have ever been in my entire life. Sometimes the greatest battles teach you the best life lessons. Sometimes your best life lessons give you your greatest joy. I am scarred but not broken. And so, I share with you one of the many lessons I learnt throughout my journey of immense struggle and infertility. Nobody goes undefeated all the time. If you can pick up after crushing defeat and go on to win again; you are going to be a champion someday. One day along the way I became a champion - I ran faster than I’ve ever run before. I climbed to the top of the highest mountain. I crawled through the coldest tunnel. I made it out on the other end - I was so bruised I could barely recognize myself in the reflection. But I was undefeated and somehow stronger than ever before. I chased the stars in what felt like complete darkness, and I never looked back.
On January 13th, 2021, our miracle; Myles Jude was born. The brightest rainbow after a long, dark storm. We are blessed beyond our wildest dreams, and we will never take a moment of this bliss for granted.
To my baby boy, your mama is small and mighty - I will fight for you for the rest of my life. Thank you for teaching me the greatest love, for showing me my demons are not my enemies and for allowing me to practice gratitude and patience in my darkest days. I’m forever changed and beyond humbled. I love you unconditionally from now until forever. You will always be our miracle.
Medical Disclaimer:
The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.