6 Lessons I've Learned Despite the Heartbreak and Pain of Infertility
So much is written about the hardships of IVF – and don’t get me wrong it is physically and emotionally taxing but there’s a strange beauty in this journey too; a quiet empowerment and sense of awareness that comes only after taking its grueling path.
6 Lessons I've Learned Despite the Heartbreak and Pain of Infertility
I often times wish this wasn’t my course and that it had been easier, but when I reflect on the last three years, I recognize so much important change. It has been somewhat of an awakening and for that, I am truly grateful. My journey with infertility has been long and freckled with pain, by way of 5 IUI’s, 5 IVF cycles, 2 chemical pregnancies and several thousand dollars later we arrive at present day with nothing to show for our efforts. I may seem okay on the outside, no outward symptoms, I smile through the pain, laugh, eat, go to work and live just like everyone. But inside, I’m heartbroken having experienced pain and yearning that I don’t wish upon my worst enemy. In spite of this, every day I seek courage, love, endurance and new learnings to keep going. What have I learnt?
1) Throw out your timeline.
Any reproductive timeline I make for myself is essentially irrelevant. Were it up to me I would be getting ready for baby number two by the time I was 32, but conception has its own timeframe, and we will get to our reproductive destination when it is time, not sooner than later, but when it is time. As someone who plans, it’s only natural to map out a timeline for how one’s infertility journey should unfold, but that only adds additional stress. Therefore, I have learnt to relinquish control, let go in this process and serenely accept that things will happen when they are meant to be.
2) The strength of my own body and mind is astounding and I never gave myself enough credit for this.
I am capable of doing immensely difficult things and dealing with immensely powerful emotions, all with the help of the female body that is deeply complex and immeasurably powerful. Infertility doesn’t define me and while I may not yet be a mother, I am worthy.
3) The adversity of this journey has reminded me that my husband and I make an exceptional team and that our marriage is stronger due to the challenges we have faced.
4) Be kind and intentional in your words and actions.
Someone going through IVF and infertility does not look different on the outside, there are no physical markers, no outward symptoms that would set them apart in a crowd. However, once you start peeling the layers, first you notice the physical scars from the daily prodding, and then the emotional scars of grief, loss, expectation and the gaping hole of what should have been. The simplest thing, meant with the best intentions can trigger and send someone reeling for days. So be mindful because an outward smile just might be someone smiling through the pain.
5) There is no reason the burden of infertility should be borne silently and shamefully.
Infertility impacts a lot of people, and we should not be expected to solve for it in the shadows. The stigma associated with fertility will only recede when we engage in honest and open conversations. I still am searching for the strength to break through this silence, so I no longer have to reside in these archaic spaces but one of the biggest changes in my journey came when I stopped treating infertility like a secret and started writing and talking about it.
6) IVF introduced me to the power of female storytelling and the engaging communities’ women have built.
Again, infertility is very common, and the spaces brave women have created to share their stories, resources, and tools are uniquely inspirational. I came to these spaces in search of answers, stories like my own and even though I haven’t quite left, I have formed lasting friendships and connections.
My journey is still far from over, and I am still navigating these arduous paths but every day I hope this painful process can also be one of self-discovery, curiosity and a little less lonely, so I keep going because I don’t have a choice.
Medical Disclaimer:
The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.