Samantha's Cystic Fibrosis and In-Vitro Fertilization Journey
When I was in 6th grade, I went with my best friend to babysit her nieces while her aunt went out with her new boyfriend. Her aunt had 2 little girls and her boyfriend had 2 sons in middle school. That night, at 12 years old, I met my future husband.
Throughout middle school I would go to their home each weekend to babysit. After about 2 years of babysitting, my future husband gave me my first kiss. Occasionally, we would innocently hook up on weekends until we both met other people. It wasn’t until college that my best friend, who introduced us years ago, suggested that we try dating. He was 21 and I was 19.
It was your typical relationship at the start, both young and unsure of what we were doing. But what I did know was that this guy was going to be an incredible father. Whenever we went to family events with his younger cousins, he would always get down on the floor and play with them. He would play any sport outside and would even let his little nieces dress him up as a beautiful princess (makeup and all!). Each time I watched him play with them, my heart knew this would be the future father of my children.
Fast forward a couple years and we were engaged. Two months before our wedding, we decided to start trying for children because, you know, “it could take some time”. Little did we know it was going to take longer than we had expected.
After about a year of trying, I spoke with my gynecologist who referred us to our first fertility clinic. Initially, I thought nothing of it, expecting to be reassured that our family would grow soon enough and that nothing was wrong with either of us. Unfortunately, we quickly learned that what we had expected to come so easily, would be one of the toughest mountains we would ever have to climb in our relationship.
After numerous appointments and tests, we were told that my husband was a carrier for cystic fibrosis, which caused his body not to create vas deferens. Following that information, we were provided with a plan to determine if having children would be possible for us. A thought that never once crossed my mind before this appointment. A thought that for some reason rocked me to my core.
I never once thought that we could potentially not have children.
After numerous appointments at the fertility clinic and a few with the urologist, we received confirmation that we would in fact be able to have the chance to have children through in-vitro fertilization. Being clueless and naive to the process of IVF, we assumed that the worst was over and the first embryo transfer would result in a perfectly healthy child. Ha- if only I knew then what I know now.
For the next 4 years, we experienced something that I could never have imagined. During the first couple of years, I had gone through 3 egg retrievals and 5 failed embryo transfers with 2 different clinics. I had never experienced such feelings of depression, loneliness, or anxiety. None of my family or friends had gone through IVF so no one truly understood or could try to understand what I was going through no matter how I tried to explain my feelings to them. I felt the worst when my best friends would tell me they were pregnant. During those first years that we tried, 5 amazing babies were born.
I was never a jealous person, but watching my friends move forward with their families only made me feel more lonely and envious of what came so easily to them. Friends were unsure of how to tell me they were pregnant, wouldn’t know what to talk about with me when we would get together, and wouldn’t know how to talk about our IVF process without making everyone involved in the conversation feel awkward. But, I couldn’t be upset with them, they didn’t know. Just as I didn’t know how this process would change me.
I learned that what we were taught when we were in health class, what my parents told me when I started dating, and what the doctors tell us when introducing birth control, isn’t exactly true. At the end of the day, I had to learn that having children might not happen. A dream I had since we were dating, of watching my husband turn into the best father I could ever imagine, might not happen. That was devastating to me. That was the type of thought that kept me up each night, that almost ended our marriage. How do you prepare for that? How does someone prepare for their childhood dream of becoming a mother with a man they loved so deeply, essentially change over night?
After the 5th failed transfer, at the second fertility clinic, we were told it would be best to look into the use of donor sperm. That killed me. I didn’t know how to accept that at that time. After that 5th failed transfer, I had to take a break and took time to heal. I began to really turn to social media where other women shared their struggles with infertility, their thoughts that others couldn’t relate to. I began to feel less alone, and much more like a person again rather than a lab rat.
We had one egg retrieval left under our insurance, and met with a fertility doctor at our new (third) clinic. Being used to the disappointment at this point, I barely had any questions for the doctor. I sat there, skeptical of what he was telling us, and informed him this was our last shot. We moved forward with the 4th egg retrieval and shockingly, we had 3 embryos make it to blastocysts. We couldn’t believe it. We only ever had 2 other embryos make it to freeze in the past. The day of our embryo transfer, I tried to muster up the feeling of excitement and hope, but I knew this process all too well, and the likelihood that I would soon feel nothing but loneliness and depression in two weeks.
When the embryologist brought our embryo in and displayed our embryo on the TV screen prior to transfer, I was shocked. This embryo was hatching (something I learned thanks to those social media posts). For a brief second, my heart rate increased and I felt a sense of joy rush through my body as I had read that this was a good sign. Leading up to that blood test, I had taken exactly 32 home pregnancy tests across 4 days and exactly 11 days after the transfer, I received my first ever call informing me that I was pregnant. I could not believe it. This was real. I was actually pregnant.
Throughout my pregnancy, the anxiety did not go away. Anxiety that had been focused around becoming pregnant, had now transferred into keeping this baby safe and healthy inside of me. I obsessed over miscarriage rates, over kick counts, over what I could or couldn’t eat, and what I could or couldn't physically do. 38 weeks later, I delivered our beautiful baby boy. Unfortunately, the anxiety didn’t go away after having him either. It turned into anxiety about my son’s health, his breathing, if I was a good parent, if I could be what he needed, if he was eating enough, going to the bathroom enough, and every other anxious thought you could possibly think of.
Over time, with the support of social media pages such as The IVF Warrior, and through the stories shared of other women who have walked similar paths, I learned to give myself grace. I learned to accept that I can experience this joy and live out my dream with my husband without being fearful of the worst. I learned that I don’t need to be perfect, that those intrusive thoughts are not facts, that I am enough.
I am blessed beyond words as I know that this is not everyone's outcome. I wish I was able to change that, because those of us who have walked this path, lived this journey, deserve all of the babies we could ever dream of. We truly are warriors. Women who have gone through actual hell. Women who have experienced pure heartache, but still showed up each day, ready to try again. I don’t think the pain from this journey will ever go away, but it will help us to inspire others. That’s one of the best things I have learned- to talk about it, to share the stories, to be vulnerable. We should feel encouraged to talk about our experiences because you never know who will hear about your journey and be inspired to continue with theirs.
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Medical Disclaimer:
The information provided in this blog is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider or qualified medical professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog.