“This picture just popped up on my Google photo memories from January of last year. It was the day I found out my first IVF transfer had failed, and my husband & I went to our favorite local brewery to drown our sorrows in beer.
There may be a smile on my face in this picture, but I had never been so devastated in my life. There were so many emotions going through my head that day. For one, I was completely shocked that my transfer hadn’t stuck: “IVF is supposed to work for everyone, right?!” For the very first time, the thought actually crossed my mind that I may never be a mom, and that thought threatened to destroy me.
After getting the news I swore I was fine, and for a few brief hours we drank beer and tried to make the best of the situation, but I remember getting home that night, more than a little tipsy, and calling my mom and two best friends hysterically crying. I literally felt like my heart was broken, that I was grieving a baby that I would never get to meet.
The next day, I woke up, pulled myself together, and said “here we go, again,” but for that one day I let myself be sad. The moral of the story is, you don’t have to hold it together all the time. Some days are beyond hard, and you need to let yourself feel those feelings before you can pick yourself up and move on to the next step in the process. So give yourself grace: there is no instruction manual for the difficult things life throws at us. We are all doing the best we can, and that’s always enough.”
Today’s warrior is Kristyn Hodgdon, creator of The Fertility Tribe. She’s an IVF twin mama who created her page to share stories/experiences and discuss all things fertility and motherhood. If you aren’t following her already, join her tribe! Today she’s also featuring my story on her page, so check that out too!